And POOF just like that my little angel turned into a GIANT crotchmuffin!

Hole. E. Shit. I don’t know WTF happened, but like two weeks ago someone flipped a switch in my little angel and he turned into the devil. I mean, no, at the time I didn’t think he was an angel because he did all sorts of annoying shit like wake us up in the middle of the night and throw up down my cleavage sometimes, but now I realize he was an angel back then because suddenly, two weeks later, he is LUCIFERRRRR.

No, I’m not an idiot. I remember how much the threes sucked ass when Zoey was that age. See, I still have this guy on speed dial…


But I don’t remember the a-holiness coming on so suddenly. Is this a boy thing? I’ve looked all over Holden to see if I can find the a-hole switch that was flipped, but alls I’ve found is a birthmark in the shape of 666 under his hairline. How did my little cutie pie turn into such a crotchmuffin overnight?!!

I present to you exhibit A:

The other morning I get him into pants, and he suddenly decides that he wants to wear Spiderman jammies all day. You know when you say no to your kiddo and then you’re like awww shit, it would have been so much easier if I had just said yes but now I can’t give in because then he’ll think he can be a whiney douchenugget and get what he wants all the time. This SUCCCCKS!

And that’s not the only way he’s turned into an a-hole overnight. Here is exhibit B:

All of the sudden, this little stinkmeister REFUSES to go to the bathroom. And the more I beg him to go, the more he starts screaming and crying and eventually he’s so out of control he just pees in his pants. Every. F’ing. Time.

So if you see us walking around town and he’s wearing pink leggings, it’s because ALLLLL of his pants are in the washing machine and he has to wear his big sister’s. And now he’s decided that he actually likes wearing her pants more than his own so when I try to put him in his regular pants, he’s all like wahhh, I want the pink leggings!!! You can basically go back and watch that video again if you want to see how that usually goes.

The truth is I don’t give a rat’s ass what color his pants are, but his dad is fundamentally against him wearing pink leggings because he thinks it’s gonna make him gay. Which it is not. I mean come on, hubby, wearing pink leggings doesn’t make you gay, it makes you a transvestite. And who the F cares as long as he’s happy?

But I digress. BIGTIME.

And last but not least, exhibit C:

I used to LOVVVVVE listening to all the cute stuff Holden says. I wuv you, Dolphin Stuckins (for Doc McStuffins), pachina. But now all of the sudden it’s like everything he’s saying has been translated into Assholinese. Here are some of his new favorite phrases:

I’m going to toot on you.

I need a weapon.

Burp burp burp burp burp

I hate _____. (most commonly, I hate you Mommy)

I’m like A. You don’t even know what “hate” means, and B. You’re not allowed to hate the person who carried your ass around inside her belly for 9+ months and loved you even when you were giving her hemorrhoids the size of cantaloupes.

Anyways, I could go on and on and on about alllllllllll the ways he’s suddenly turned into the devil’s spawn, but it’s eerily quiet in the next room. And when you have a three-year-old demon, silence is not golden. It’s scary as shit. Especially when you have a cat who’s slow on his feet. Ruh-roh.

If you agree that kids can be little a-holes, have I got a book for you! It’s called I Heart My Little A-Holes, and it’s written by this really cool chick I know. Wink wink.



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