Okay, so this morning I’m scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and the more I scroll, the more I’m starting to feel like shit. I mean all I’m seeing are these beautiful pictures that people have posted of their sparkling little love muffins looking all perfect and wonderful. Kids that have made the honor roll, kids that have bedrooms straight out of a Pottery Barn kids catalog, kids that act like little angels, etc etc etc etc etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for letting people know what’s going on in your life through social media. Like if you just had a baby, by all means post a picture of that newbie nugget so we can all oooh and ahhh in the comments section and have small pangs of jealousy until we remember how many poopie diapers you’ll be changing this week (answer: 12,926).
And I’m all for the occasional video of your kiddos doing cool shit like riding their two-wheeler for the first time. Or a picture of the awesome cupcakes they just made (that are probably full of saliva). Or a status about your kid who’s worked and worked and worked so hard and finally gotten a B+ on a math test.
But some people on Facebook are OUT OF CONTROL. Do you know who I’m talking about? Do you have someone who is constantly posting perfect posts about their perfect kiddos and bragging about how perfect they are? And no, I am not jealous of these people. I’m just calling bullshit on them and saying even if it’s not bullshit, it’s not right.
So here goes. Seven things to stop and ask yourself before you share yet ANOTHER post about your perfect kiddo on Facebook:
1. When did you last post something about them? If the answer is within the past 48 hours, slow down. Pace yourself. Like if you’re still checking to see how many people “liked” the last picture you put up of little Sweetie Pie Angelbottoms doing something super wonderful, then maybe it’s too soon to post another one.
2. WHY are you bragging about your kiddo again? Like did they achieve something truly awesome? Like did they save someone with CPR or did they voluntarily help an old lady cross the street? Or are you bragging because they managed to wear a matching outfit with their American Girl doll because you bought them $400 matching pajamas?
3. Is what you are about to post something you would say in person to other moms? Like if you were all standing in a circle chit-chatting, would you announce, “My kid got a 2300 on the SAT!?” Nope, you probably wouldn’t. But that’s kinda what you’re doing on Facebook. You’re just typing it instead of saying it.
4. Do you truly think your kiddo is cuter than all the other kiddos and that everyone is dying to see them AGAIN? Because guess what, we ALL think our kiddo is cuter than the other kiddos. Nature makes us think that. So yeah, you can show me your cute kid a gazillion times, but I’m still gonna think my kid is cuter. And you’re being annoying.
5. Or how about this. Before you post something think to yourself, how is this going to make other people feel? Like let’s say you put up a post that says, “Sally Smartypants just made the honor roll AGAIN!” Ummm, you might be making some other Mommy feel really bad. Someone whose kid is having trouble in math or failing reading. I’m not saying don’t ever brag about your kiddo’s achievements because someone else’s rugrat might not be succeeding. I’m just saying tone it dowwwwwn.
6. Are you doing this to show your kiddo you’re proud of them? Because there’s an easier way. I mean when I’m proud of my kids, I don’t yell it to everyone else. You know what I do? I look my kids in the eye and I say, “I’m proud of you.”
7. If things were really is THIS perfect, would you feel an incessant need to brag about it? I doubt it. But WTF do I know? My life has never been that perfect.
Anyways, that’s it. Feel free to rip me a new one in the comments section because you totally disagree and think I’m just a jealous biatch. Which I’m not. I’m just another mom who thinks her kiddos are awesome. Except when they’re being shitty. So I post a little of both when I get around to it.
And don’t forget to check out my book I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’ll make you laugh so hard you’ll pee in your pants. Plus it’s only $1.99 on Kindle right now so you can afford to buy some Depends too.