1. Wake up at 10am, and I don’t mean like wake up at 7am and stay in bed for three hours. I mean my eyes don’t open and my brain doesn’t turn on until 10am, like my husband is downstairs cooking breakfast and wondering whether he should come up and put a mirror below my nostrils to see if I’m still breathing.
2. My husband is NOT coking breakfast downstairs and F’ing up my kitchen.
3. In fact, no one is downstairs because my husband has taken the kids out to breakfast. In Alaska.
4. I finally come downstairs in my fat pants and shirt without a bra and I discover that we have been robbed. That’s right, in my ideal day a burglar has broken into our house. And stolen all of the toys. I realize this because my feet are unscathed and I’ve gone for more than ninety seconds without saying a curse word.
5. My doorbell rings and it’s the UPS guy. Who happens to be Channing Tatum. He explains that he has taken a job working for UPS because 23 Jump Street isn’t shooting yet. And he’s arrived with my breakfast. A Costco size bag of Stacy’s pita chips and a 2 gallon vat of Nutella. I’ve never actually had this combination before but I’m assuming it must be deeeelish.
6. When Channing is done feeding me breakfast by hand in his underwear, he makes a pass at me but I tell him I can’t because I love my husband too much so he says to give him a call if I ever change my mind. I agree, but tell him not to wait by the phone. He says he will wait by the phone, but he knows it will never ring.
7. I park myself in front of the 60” TV the burglar accidentally left in our house and I watch a Sex and the City marathon reliving my youth while reading People magazines from the past three years and sipping from a steaming hot cup of coffee.
8. My coffee kicks in, and what magically appears in the living room? A high-end toilet that does NOT have a heated seat. Because if you’re a mom you know what it means to sit on a warm seat– it means that someone else was sitting on it for a long time before you.
9. I sit on my cold living room toilet and watch Sex and the City and it is only interrupted by one commercial over and over again. The one for Matthew Mcconaughey. Yeah, I know it’s not really for Matthew Mcconaughey and it’s actually a commercial for some car but I have no F’ing idea WHAT car it is because who the hell would be looking at a car logo while Mmmm-matthew is on the screen?
10. I hear someone pull into the garage and I know my perfect day is coming to an end. “Mommm, we’re home!!!!! But just for five minutes to say we missed you all day and then we’re headed out again to go get dinner!! And go sleep at a hotel! Why do you look so surprised? Of course your perfect day would be 26-hours long.”
What would happen in YOUR perfect day? Did I miss anything??
If you thought this was funny and would also lovvvvve a day like this, check out my book I Heart My Little A-Holes.
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