Holy crap do I miss doing ALLLLLL this crap

Okay, so once a month ChicagoNow (and if you don’t know WTF that is, just look up and to the right) has this totally stressful and sucky, uhhh I mean exciting and challenging event called Blogapalooza. We are given a topic and we have ONE hour to write a post and share it. Sixty measly minutes. Well, here’s the topic tonight:

“Write about something in your life you’ve given up but that you wish you still did”

And here’s my answer:

Not one, but TEN things I gave up but wish I still did.

1. NOTHING.

OMG, how I miss doing nothing. I used to sit on my ass alllllllllll F’ing day and literally do nothing at all. Just sit there on my couch on a Saturday and watch a stupid TLC marathon of What Not to Wear for like 8 straight hours.

2. Do one thing at a time

Now that I have kids and a husband and work and like a million things on my to-do list that will never get done, it’s all about multitasking. I shit you not, I am NEVER doing one thing at a time. Like is it okay to brush my teeth while I’m peeing? ‘Cause I just saved myself like 18 seconds there, and do you know ALL the shit I can do with 18 extra seconds?!

3. Eat a whole meal sitting down

The last meal I ate sitting down was the one in the hospital when I gave birth to Holden. And that was only because I had a c-section and I was under strict orders not to get up until later that day when they were going to make me get up to go poop.

4.  Not worry all day long

What if he chokes on that rock? What if she freaks out because they don’t have anything she likes to eat? What if he runs into the street? What if the minivan door doesn’t bounce back? What if, what if, WHAT IF??? Basically I walk around all day shitting bricks everywhere I go. Seriously, if you are building a new home, just walk behind me and collect the materials for free.

5. Do things on the spur of the moment

Nowadays the only reason I do something on the spur of the moment is because one of my little a-holes (and I mean that literally) shat himself and we have to skip the next activity to go home and change into something less brown.

6. Eat a Lean Cuisine dinner in front of the TV all alone

Dear God I used to think it was depressing eating a shitty microwaved meal all alone every night in front of the TV. WTF was I thinking? Because now that would be HEAVEN!!!! No, wait, F that. You know what I would do now? I would nuke that dinner, sit in front of the TV and I would put that boob tube on mute and watch an entire show close captioned. Just thinking about all that silence is making me all tingly down there.

7. Leave the conditioner in for sixty seconds

Or however long the directions say. Because nowadays I usually take my showers as quickly as possible with at least one set of eyeballs on me. From the toilet. While they’re taking a dump. Awesome.

8. Cursing

Oh how I miss stubbing my toe and shouting whatever F’ing curse words I want. ‘Cause when you want to shout “Fuck shit shartrag of a doucheball,” shouting “Fudge Stick fartface of a koosh ball” isn’t quite as satisfying.

9. Sleeping in

Okay, let’s just fantasize for a moment here that I was able to create a slow carbon monoxide leak in my house and make everyone sleep until a whopping 10 AM. My stupid body would still be up at 7! Mayyyybe 7:30. Seriously it is im-F’ing-possible for me to sleep in anymore. Like these days my husband and I will be amazed when my son sleeps past 6:45 AM. “Wow, he’s slept late today.” WTF is wrong with us?

10. Getting to places on time, going places without a bag full of shit, finishing everything on my to-do list, having a leisurely trip to the grocery store, peeing and pooping alone, reading a whole book cover to cover, driving alone and singing, driving alone in silence, watching a whole TV show without folding laundry, doing laundry once a week, going to brunch because it’s too late for breakfast, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.

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