Dear mom who has decided to give birth at home

Dear mom who has decided to give birth at home,

Wow, can I just say you are so brave?! I mean when I was preggers I was all like “When can you give me the epidural, doc? Whatta you mean I have to wait until I’m in labor?” And not only are you having natural childbirth, but you’re doing it at home. Holy crap, it must be so nice to be able to stay in the comfort of your own home and give birth to your little bundle of joy. I mean not that you’re gonna be very comfortable when it feels like Satan and Freddy Krueger are taking turns squeezing and stabbing your uterus while you’re in labor.

SATAN: Muhahahahaha, your turn, Freddy.

FREDDY: Tee hee hee heeeee, you’re up Luci.

SATAN: Dude, that ain’t cool. It’s LuciFER.

But at least you get to be on your own comfy bed and your inner feng shui won’t be all thrown off by fluorescent hospital lighting and Georgia O’Keefe posters and lame colors like peach and pale turquoise. Plus, your other kiddos can sit there holding your hand and shit in case you need something to squeeze.

I just have a quick question, though. What happens if something goes wrong? I mean I’m not trying to jinx you or anything, but I really just want to know. What happens? I mean I know there’s no reason to think anything is gonna go wrong, but hey, we don’t really plan for bad shit to happen. Shit just happens.

Like there was no reason to think the birth of my daughter was going to have complications. She was healthy, I was healthy, everything was hunky dory.

But guess what would have happened if I gave birth at home. I would have died. Yup. As in dead. As in my husband would have been left to take care of a wee little baby all by himself and I would have been in an urn on the mantle, which would have been totally crowded because that’s where we keep our board games. Does anyone know where Chutes and Ladders is? Yeah, it’s right next to Mom! But I digress.

I’m not taking a hard line stance against home births or anything. I just don’t get it. Like parents who don’t make their kids wear seatbelts. If it makes your kid safer, why not? I pull up next to them at the traffic light and the kids are all bouncing around in the back seat and I know you’re like a totally kickass driver, but what happens when that other driver who’s texting and chowing down on a Big Mac slams into you? I mean the seatbelt is right there, so why not put it on?

The same way the hospital is right there. Yeah, I know they’re all white and sterile and not the warmest places on earth, but they also have some pretty good things that really protect tiny little babies. Like life-saving equipment and people who have given up years of their lives so that they’ll know what to do when shit happens. Like when my stubborn assholey placenta wouldn’t detach from my uterus and I started to bleed a lot really fast. Or what about when a kiddo isn’t breathing for some reason and needs to be fixed right away and doesn’t have the time it takes to get to the hospital? Or a kiddo has a hole in their heart. Or a cord around their neck. Or some other shit I don’t really know much about. That’s why I like to have doctors around. Just in case shit happens.

Anyways, maybe it’s just because I’m a pessimist by nature. Or maybe it’s because I could have died when I had my kiddo. Or maybe it’s because I’m overprotective. Or maybe it’s because I think kids are like master experts at getting into trouble from the moment they’re born. Or maybe it’s because I absolutely LOVE my bedding and just don’t want to get it all messed up. Kidding.

But feel free to explain it to me. Why do you choose to do it without doctors and modern medicine? What do you get out of it that makes it so much better? I don’t want to sound like an a-hole. I really am curious and want to understand. I mean what do you do if something goes wrong? Like really wrong.


A mom who knows that shit happens when we least expect it to

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