Camping is a great way to bond with your family especially if you all get murdered by an axe-murderer together

Camping is a great way to bond with your family especially if you all get murdered by an axe-murderer together

So last weekend we went camping with the rugrats for the first time and you know what I decided? I love camping. Wait, I mean I hate camping. Yeah, basically I’m a schizo when it comes to camping because well, some of it was awesome, and some it SUCKED MORE ASS than anything I’ve ever done before.

I mean no, it wasn’t worse than lying on a table and getting gutted like a fish for a c-section, but at least I got drugs for that. Well, I guess I was offered some while we were camping, but let’s just say there’s no way I’m gonna make myself MORE paranoid when I’m already worried about a giant Daddy Longlegs crawling on my face during the night or about some dude in a hockey mask decapitating me while I’m trying to crouch in the woods and pee. “Waitttt, I can’t defend myself because someone set my hooha to the spray function like a garden hose and I’m awkwardly leaning wayyyyy back so it doesn’t spray all over my ankles!”

But seriously, my friend asked our family to go camping with them and she used words like fun and air mattresses and bonding and I don’t know what I was smoking but I believed her and said yes. It was one of those things you say yes to and for a while you’re all excited and brag to people that you’re going camping and then as it gets closer to the date, you start to wonder, WTF did I do?

Anyways, we went and we all came home alive, so I’m gonna call it a success. But I don’t know whether I’m ever gonna do it again. Like seriously, I don’t know. And you know what I do when I don’t know? I make a pro/con list. So here goes. The pros and cons of going camping:


PRO: The men say, don’t worry, we’ll set up the tents.

CON: The men MEAN, don’t worry, we’ll set up the tents IF you watch the kids for the next hour, and really it’s more like two hours because I don’t know whether they just SUCK at setting up tents or whether it’s all a ploy to hang out as long as possible with beers and without the rugrats.



PRO: Your family gets to bond by sleeping in the same tent together.

CON: You get kicked in the head over and over and over again all night long.

CON: I double dog dare you to try to roll over on an air mattress without making a lot of noise. F’ing impossible.

CON: You tell the kiddos you’re all sleeping in the tent together and at 9PM when it’s time for THEM to go to bed, they throw a conniption fit because you’re not going to bed at the same time.

CON: When you have to pee at 2AM you have to unzip the zipper one tooth at a time because you don’t want to wake anyone up.



PRO: Because you’re driving to the campsight, you can pack as much shit as you want.

CON: Because you’re driving to the campsight, you can pack as much shit as you want.



PRO: You get to roast marshmallows and make yummmmy s’mores.

CON: And then because there are no sinks, you get all sticky and the dirt sticks to all the sticky parts of your body and you look like you are a chimney-sweep or in my case like you have a black mustache but you have no idea because there are no mirrors until your friend tells you you have a black mustache and every time you wipe it away you have to ask her, “Did I get it? Now did I get it?” over and over again until you finally get it or she finally lies and tells you you got it even though you didn’t.


PRO: You get to wake up to the lovely sounds of Mother Nature.

CON: Which is the combination of weird birds and the deafening shrieks of your children who wake up the second the sky isn’t 100% pitch black anymore and will not STFU no matter how many times you yell at them that the rest of the camp is still sleeping. Nature is so F’ing peaceful.


PRO: There are real bathrooms in case you eat 9 s’mores and Satan decides to come out of your tush in his liquid form.

CON: These bathrooms are very wet. Like condensation is dripping off everything. And no amount of toilet paper will dry them.

CON: They are also covered in creepy crawly creatures and I’m still petrified a spider crawled up my hooha and I’m going to give birth to thousands of spider babies. On tonight’s episode of “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” a woman in Illinois gives birth to 1,200 baby arachnids.

I know that technically this spider isn't in a bathroom, duhh, because only creepy molesters take pictures in public restrooms and I'm not a creepy molester. Except when it comes to my son's cute tushie.

I know that technically this spider isn’t in a bathroom. Sorry. I didn’t take my camera into the restroom because only creepy molesters take pictures in public restrooms and I’m not a creepy molester.


PRO: If your bladder’s about to burst, you can always just pee in the woods.

CON: And you will make a little urine river and have to keep moving your foot so the urine river doesn’t flow right into your shoe.


PRO: There are no mirrors when you wake up in the morning.

CON: Thank God because you will look like this.


Gratuitous cute kid picture to erase the horrifying image of me from your brain:



PRO: Men love building fires and making dinner on fires so they will take care of all of that stuff. Yayyy!

CON: And they will continue to poke the fire and add logs to it allllll night long even when it doesn’t need poking or logs. The same way I can’t stop picking zits, men can’t stop playing with fires.



PRO: You will be able to disconnect from the world.

CON: Because your cell phone won’t get an F’ing signal. And even though you can’t get a signal you will still freak out every time it says battery life is less than 20% because what if an axe-murderer is chasing you and you need to call for help? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? No, you can’t hear me because this stupid cell phone can’t get a signal and now I’m lying in a pool of blood in a dead spot. Literally.

If you liked this, don’t forget to check out my New York Times Bestseller I Heart My Little A-Holes. Guaranteed to make your orifices leak a little. Well, not literally guaranteed because I’m not giving any money back if your orifices don’t leak. Mostly because I’m not willing to check people’s underwear to confirm dryness.


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