Dah dah dah dahhhhhhhhh!!!! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s SUUUUPER TODDLER!!

Dah dah dah dahhhhhhhhh!!!! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s SUUUUPER TODDLER!!

Yeah, I know stumbling around the playground they just look like annoying little rugrats, but just you wait. Because these little shorties are actually superheroes disguised in saggy diapers!!!!! Can they fly? No. Do they have x-ray vision? Niet. But holy shit do these pint-sized poop-machines have some unbelievable superpowers. So I present to you Ten Toddler Superpowers, minus one because I could only come up with nine:


1. MOM: Hey kiddo, it’s time to go pick up your sister.

TODDLER: Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!

And at this moment he drops to the ground and when you try to pick him up, you are physically unable to. How the F is it possible that he just went to the doctor yesterday and weighed 30 pounds and today he weighs 1200 pounds?

Super Toddler Power #1: The ability to stick to the floor anytime he doesn’t want to leave somewhere.


2. MOM: You sit down in that car seat right now, mister, or we’re leaving without you!

Only you’re WAYYYYYY past the point of being able to reason with him, and he is literally planking his car seat. You’re pushing on his crotch and trying to “bend” him into the seat just long enough that you can click the buckle and trap him. Which feels completely absolutely inappropriate if you have a son and you’re pressing on his penis.

Super Toddler Power #2: The ability to turn into a 2X4 when you are trying to get him into his car seat.


3. TODDLER: Mom, you look beeeautif– BLAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Super Toddler Power #3: The ability to projectile vomit all over you the second you get dressed up all fancy-dancy and try to look pretty for the first time in years.


4. MOM: Okay kiddo, put on your shoes.


MOM: Come onnn, put on your shoes please.




MOM: (inaudible whisper) Who wants ice cream?


Super Toddler Power #4: The ability to hear only the shit he wants to hear.


5. WIFE: Goodnight, honey.

HUBBY: Goodnight, dear.

TODDLER: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I want water!! My blankie fell off!! I threw Pooky Wookie out of my bed!! Come to me nowww!!!

Super Toddler Power #5: The ability to hear your eyelids closing.


6. (5:49 AM)


ME: Go back to your bed. It’s too early.

TODDLER: Pleeease, I’ll just wanna sleep in your bed. (And by “sleep” I mean jump up and down on your head and climb all over you and kick you in the crotch over and over again.)

Super Toddler Power #6: The ability to somehow sense that you went out drinking the night before.


7. MOM: No, sweetie, we’re not getting Fruit Loops.


And then you go to pick him up and the second you get your hands under his armpits, what does he do? He purposely dislocates both of his shoulders and he falls back onto the floor a screaming mess of tears and snot.

Super Toddler Power #7: The ability to turn into a wet noodle.


8. MOM: Are you done yet?

TODDLER: (grunting) No… I’m….. poop……. ing.

So you stand there pressed up against the nasty-ass bathroom door in the smallest stall you’ve ever been in as you feel the e coli taking over your body and you stare at your kid willing them to push the poop out faster.

Super Toddler Power #8: The ability to hold in his poop until he finds the grossest public restroom in the history of fecal matter.


9. TODDLER: Mommyyy, my marker fell!

MOM: So pick it up.

TODDLER: No, you pick it up.

MOM: No, if you want it, you can pick it up.


MOM: Fine, here’s your stupid marker.

Super Toddler Power #9: The ability to use the force to make objects come to him.

If you thought this was kinda sorta funny and my mom didn’t pay you to think that, check out my  New York Times Bestseller I Heart My Little A-Holes. Guaranteed to make your orifices leak a little.


Here are a bunch of places you can find it. There are other places too but I’m too lazy to put them all here.

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