Some people like dance recitals. I am not one of them.

Okay, so I recently signed Zoey up for dance class because A. She was begging me to death to let her, and B. Because of this:


Seriously, there is nothing (NOTHING!!!!) more adorable than a little girl in a dance costume and I have ALWAYS wanted to see my little girl in one.  But what never occurred to me, either because I was drunk or a dumbass (probably both), was that seeing her in this outfit would require me to also sit through an actual recital. A recital with 22 lonnnnnng acts.

Which basically means your rugrat is on the stage for 1/22nd of the time. Yes, THREE measly F’ing minutes. And for the other 9,000 minutes you have to pretend to enjoy watching a bunch of strangers’ kids who can’t dance worth shit. And yeah, I know that one kid in the front row is like a totally awesome dancer but A. She’s only six so in the grand scheme of things she still sucks, and B. She looks like a total diva who should be on Toddlers and Tiaras so I kinda just want to smack her.

So anyways, I created this little game for the next time I’m a total idiot and get lured in by the tiny tutus and itty-bitty fishnets again. May I present to you, drumroll please, Dance Recital Bingo! I only wish I had it for the last recital I went to because I could have X’ed off ALL of these within about five minutes of sitting down in the audience. So if you’re ever at a dance recital wondering whether you packed a razor in your purse, feel free to use it.



If you thought this was kinda sorta funny and my mom didn’t pay you to think that, check out my  New York Times Bestseller I Heart My Little A-Holes. Guaranteed to make your orifices leak a little.


Here are a bunch of places you can find it. There are other places too but I’m too lazy to put them all here.

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Tags: dance recital

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