1. Open the box and have a heart attack.
2. Defibrillate yourself.
3. Stare at the instructions for a very long time and think that this has got to be a practical joke.
4. Debate whether to just return the whole thing and get her something else that’s easier to put together. Like a space shuttle.
5. Take a deep breath and stand up the main Barbie house to get started.
6. Still have no earthly idea where to begin.
7. Find a YouTube video that shows you how to put it together and think AWESOMMMME, this video is only 9.5 minutes long. We’re still gonna have time to watch Modern Family before bed!
8. Put the column in the hole like the dude in the video tells you to.
9. Agggghhhhhh, why the F won’t it go in???
10. Realize you’re trying to put the heart-shaped column into the pentagon-shaped hole because the jackass on the video didn’t tell you the columns were different shapes until AFTER he did it.
11. Find the pentagon column. Agggghhhhhhh, NOW why the F won’t it go in???
12. Push it hard until you feel like you are going to break it and then the whole entire toy is going to be ruined because of one itty-bitty-shitty piece of plastic.
13. Finally push it in with force and hear the click.
14. Have an orgasm you’re so F’ing excited.
15. Realize there are nine more columns just like that one.
16. Think about ways to kill yourself.
17. Keep watching and pausing and watching and pausing and watching and pausing the video and realize it’s going to take wayyyyyyy more than 9.5 minutes to put this dumbass toy together.
18. Stand there wanting to beat the crap out of these a-holes every time they say “just click it in like this,” and you’re like agggghhhh, it doesn’t F’ing click and please show me a closer shot so I can see WTF you’re doing!!
19. Frantically look around for the purple thingamajig with the sticky outy doodad and think awwww shit, we’re totally missing a piece and we’re so screwed until you yell at your husband to help you look and he stands up and guess WTF he was sitting on.
20. Seriously wonder whether you and your husband might get divorced over this stupid Barbie Dreamhouse.
21. Agree that you will never ever under any circumstance decide to build a real new home together.
22. Get to the part in the instructions when you’re supposed to rig the elevator system.
23. Shit a brick.
24. Take a pillow off the couch and scream into it. “ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH, shit damn mother F’ing douchebag twatwaffle!!!!!!!!”
25. Yell at your husband because you can’t yell at Mattel.
26. Lie and say you have to take a bathroom break but really go into the kitchen and take a GIANT swig of vino.
27. Look at the time and think “holy crap I should have been in bed 28 minutes ago” but you can’t stop now because the pieces are all over the living room floor.
28. Take another swig of vino.
29. Make a deal with Satan.
30. FINALLLLY finish putting this F’ing toy together.
31. Put it in her room while she’s sleeping and pray to GOD she loves it and plays with it for more than five minutes. “You will like this toy damn it and play with it for the next 10 years or you’re grounded, capisce?”
Heyyyy, if you thought this was kinda sorta funny, please check out my New York Times Bestseller I Heart My Little A-Holes.
Here are a bunch of places you can find it. There are other places too but I’m too lazy to put them all here.