Archive for May 2014

How to put together a Barbie Dreamhouse or really any sucky toy that comes in like a million pieces

1. Open the box and have a heart attack. 2. Defibrillate yourself. 3. Stare at the instructions for a very long time and think that this has got to be a practical joke. 4. Debate whether to just return the whole thing and get her something else that’s easier to put together. Like a space... Read more »

Happy Birthday Zoeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!

Happy Birthday Zoeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!
Dear Zoey, Ahhhh, today you turn the big 05. This is so exciting. Today we will celebrate you and only you. Let’s reflect on everything you did May 14, 2009 and why you deserve this great celebration. Let’s see, what did you do that day? You lay there. You got lifted out of me. You... Read more »

Ten MORE things I really F'ing want for Mother's Day (and how I'm gonna get'm this year)

1. I want breakfast in bed. I’m gonna leave a pop tart on my nightstand the night before to make sure this happens. 2. I don’t want to yell at a single person alllll day long. I will constantly have a mimosa attached to my mouth so I won’t be able to. It’s not happy... Read more »

Did Picasso's mom have to deal with shit like this?

The following is an excerpt from my book I Heart My Little A-Holes: Okay, so last week I had Zoey’s parent-teacher conference. TEACHER: Blah blah blah, she plays well with others. Blah blah blah, she can be a little too sensitive. Blah blah blah, and here is her self-portrait. I look down at the page.... Read more »