Archive for April 2014

I just can't decide which one to put on my mantle

“Zoey, get with your brother so I can take a nice picture.” “Zoey, seriously, can you smile?” “Can you just try to look normal?” “Please.” “AGGGGHHHHHH, JUST LOOK AT THE F’ING CAMERAAAA DAMN ITTTT!!!!” “Okay, whatever you do, DO NOT look at me and smile (reverse psychology).” “Seriously? Are you kidding me?” “Thanks shithead.” FYI,... Read more »

Dear anyone who's unhappy with their body

Dear anyone who’s unhappy with their body, I’m 5’1 and 131 pounds. Yes, I’m saying that out loud to thousands of people I don’t know. You know what’s scarier? I’m saying that out loud to hundreds of people I DO know. Women aren’t supposed to talk about their weight. And five years ago, I wouldn’t have... Read more »

Earth Day is just permission to do a bunch of awesome shit you can't ordinarily do

Hells yeah, it’s Earth Day!! And Mother Earth is a mom just like me, so I’m gonna treat her right today. Nahhhh, you don’t have to use the Diva Cup and reusable maxi pads and grow your own organic fruit in the backyard to be a crunchily awesome granola-head today. Here are some things you... Read more »

This children's clothing store sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks

This children's clothing store sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks
Okay, so yesterday I was walking through the mall and I came across this beauty (sarcastic font not available). What the F are we teaching our kids by putting a poster like this in the front window? I’m sure you know what store it is, but I’m blurring out the name because hell if I’m... Read more »

An importantish message from Baby Sideburns

An importantish message from Baby Sideburns
Why helllllllloooo, It’s me Baby Sideburns! Okay, so I promise to be quick because I’m typing this from the toilet right now. I’m not actually going to the bathroom, but I told my husband I had to so I could come in here and write this. Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you SOOOOOO... Read more »

My humble opinion of why some children’s books are totally awesome and some of them SUCCCCK

1. Curious George Okay, can we all agree that as cute as this rascally monkey is, he sucks? I mean every time I read a Curious George book I’m like WTF? The only reason George saved the world and the president is giving him a giant key is because George is the one who snuck... Read more »

R.I.P. Mr. Tweet Tweet, just not on my car

To anyone who saw me dancing around the dead bird in the parking lot earlier today, I just want to explain. Here’s why: So this morning we’re sitting at breakfast when mine and my husband’s phones both ding at the same time and we look and our neighbor sent us a picture of the top... Read more »

April Fools Day Easter eggs. Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

See the look on Zoey and Holden’s faces when I put something else in the Easter eggs for April Fools Day!!! HILARIOUS!! If you think this was kinda mean, you’re right! But look at all the shit they put me through on a daily basis. Enough to fill an entire book. My book!! I Heart... Read more »