Paper Dresses are like SOOOO amazing, as long as I'm not the one making them

So the other day I read this awesome article by my friend Mommy Shorts on Huff Post about this lady and her daughter who make paper dresses.

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Ahhhh-mazing! Did you see it? OMG, I don’t know jack shit about fashion, but I do know that this chick and her chickadee are some talented ladies. I thought their designs were so cool, I showed them to Zoey, and guess what she said.

ZOEY: Can we do that?

Awwww shit, did you see how my stupid ice orbs turned out kiddo?


Or my pancakes?


Your mom does not make things. If you want me to whip up a novel, give me a pen, but I promise, you don’t want me to make you a paper dress.

ZOEY: Pleeeeeaase, pleeeeeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeease.

ME: Wait, are you going to keep making that noise until I say yes?

ZOEY: Pleeeeeaase, pleeeeeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeease.

ME: Fine. Stop. You win.

So may I present to you Haute Couture Baby Sideburns style.


This first one I like call The Paper Jam. I wanted to write my grocery list on it ’cause it seemed like the kind of thing Lady Gaga would do, but Zoey insisted it stay white so she could wear it to her wedding.


This second one makes no F’ing sense to me. It’s Dollar Store wrapping paper and I can’t even use it to wrap a present without the whole thing ripping to pieces, so I have noooo idea how it’s staying one piece while Miss Cuckoo Crazypants is wearing it. And FYI, if you’re thinking it looks kinda good, you’re wrong. I just hid all the bad shit in the back. See? PaperDress2c

The good news is you could take a poop in it and no one would ever know.


And of course I saved the BEST for last. I call it the Quicker Picker Upper. I like it because it’s perforated so it can be ripped off quickly if your little brother pees a big ole puddle in the middle of the floor. Trust us, we know.


This is what she looked like when she saw him peeing.

So as you can tell, I’m not gonna quit my day job. Which, by the way, is getting ready for the rerelease of my New York Times Bestselling book I Heart My Little A-Holes. You can pre-order it at places like AmazonBarnes & NobleBooksAMillion, and IndieBound if you want it. Which you do. I hope. It’s full of hilarious stories and stuff, but no paper dresses. I promse.

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