Okay, so I know you’re totally used to me dissing Disney princess movies left and right for their pussified princesses (oh yeah, spell check, well pussified SHOULD BE a word) who need to be rescued by princes and fairy godmothers, so this blog is gonna come as a bit of a shock to you. Are you ready for this? Here it is. I think Disney’s new movie Frozen is totally amazing. That’s right, I’m praising it. It just came out on DVD and Zoey keeps begging to watch it and I’m like, yes, go watch it. Learn from it.
I mean let’s forget for a moment that if I hear my kiddo belt out Let It Go one more time, I’m gonna stab my eardrums out with the nearest screwdriver or ice pick. And let’s try to ignore the fact that the two main girls have eyeballs that are literally wider than the width of their wrists. If you can ignore those two flaws, Frozen actually teaches kids three kickass lessons about love.
1. You have to take time to get to know someone before you can fall in love
Remember how Cinderella met Prince Charming and fell head over heels (soon to be heel) in love with him like the second they met? Ennnh, I’m calling bullshit on this. Basically the movie Cinderella is just ABC’s The Bachelor way ahead of its time. Prince Charming was the eligible bachelor with like 50 floozies to choose from. And when Cinderella stepped out of the limo he liked what he saw and they danced and shit but had to skip the fantasy suite because of the whole pumpkin thing. I’m convinced her fairy godmother gave her the midnight curfew so that Cinderella wouldn’t be all slutty and hook up with him that night.
So supposedly they immediately fell in love and lived happily ever after, when we all know that if this happened in real life, there’s a good chance Cindy and Charmy would have kept dating for a few weeks until they really got to know each other (Why do her hands always smell like dishrags? OMG, can’t he talk about anything besides himself???) and one of them finally worked up the courage to give the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” speech.
Awww shit, listen to me dissing a Disney princess movie when I’m supposed to be singing my glories about Frozen. Sorry, force of habit. So in Frozen Anna meets this dude Hans and in less than two hours falls head over heels in love with him. They dance, they sing, they cavort (whatever the hell that is), and they probably do some other stuff we don’t get to see because it’s a Disney movie. And last but not least, they get engaged. And guess what she finds out later on. That Hans is one serious douchebag.
Yup, Frozen teaches girls that one-night-stands are super fun, but don’t get all carried away and get engaged to someone after only knowing him for like 24 hours because there’s a good chance your new prince charming is actually a prince fuckface (Disney’s word, not mine). So who does Anna actually fall for in the end? This guy named Kristoff after she hangs out with him for a lonnnnng time. Because lust happens quickly. But love happens slowly. Oh, and btw, I think it totally rocks that the trolls (who are Kristoff’s parents) know that Kristoff and Anna are perfect for each other. Parents are wicked smaht and know shit like this.
2. True love can happen between two women
Awww shit, that totally makes it sound like there are lesbian lovers in Frozen. There are not. How many men just read this and are sprinting to the theaters right now to buy tickets? Whoopsies! I hope they’re not too disappointed. But what Disney does teach kids is that sometimes true love isn’t between a man and a woman. Yup, who does Anna get her true love kiss from at the end of the movie? Her sister Elsa!!! That’s right, because there’s no truer love than the unconditional love you get from your family. And sometimes that kind of love is way stronger than anything you can get from the dude you met on Match or JDate or FindAPrincess.com.
3. You don’t have to end up with a man to be happy
Guess who Elsa ends up with at the end of the movie. No one! GASP, can you believe it, someone stays single at the end of a Disney movie. Hurrayyyyy! Because I know it’s hard to believe but some people decide to stay single, like they actually choose not to get married and guess what, they’re actually happy that way.
Yup, throughout the movie Elsa is like totally down on her magical freezing powers (kind of like the way I feel about my thighs), but at the end she holds her head up high as the unmarried reigning queen of, shit shit, what was the name of the town again? Grrrrr, I can’t F’ing remember. Is it possible I still have baby brain 2.5 years after giving birth? But I digress. Yup, Elsa learns to accept who she is and she falls in love with herself–the most important person there is to fall in love with. And that, my friends, is a lesson that every little girl and boy in this country should learn.
Okay, so there you go. Three majorly important lessons in love taught by, holy crap I can’t believe it, Disney. Oh, and also the snowman in the movie is so F’ing funny. I know that has nothing to do with this post, but I really do love him. The end.
If you think I’m pretty funny and my mom didn’t pay you to think that, don’t forget to pre-order my book. It’s coming out in one week (eeeeeeeeks!!!!!) and you’ll be the first person on the block to have it. Unless someone else on your block orders it too and the mailman goes to her house first. Here are a few of the places you can order it. Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, and IndieBound.