You know you’re a mom if

1. You try to catch throw up in your bare hands and you’re bummed when you miss.

2. You discover random shit in your bra when you undress at night.

3. You eat your entire meal standing up.

4. And it consists of leftover French fries and the crusts of a sandwich.

5. You’ve had to go to the bathroom for three hours but you keep doing other stuff instead until there’s a turtlehead you can’t ignore.

6. You blow your nose in a tissue that someone else already blew their nose in.

7. You blow your nose in laundry because you don’t have a tissue.

8. You laugh when the movie theater says silence is golden because silence isn’t golden. It’s scary as shit.

9. You start the car and turn down the volume as fast as humanly possible so that the people in the backseat don’t hear their stupid song and you’ll have to listen to the whole dang kids’ cd.

10. You use baby wipes on your pits and down under (shout out to the Australians!) because you don’t have time for a shower.

11. You find yourself sitting in the bathroom eating your cereal because your kid wants company while he takes a dump.

12. You see a rock and your first thought is choking hazard.

13. You’re literally hugging your kid and at the exact same moment you’re feeling guilty for not spending enough time with him.

14. You’ve used your eyeliner sharpener to sharpen a pencil.

15. You can recognize the sound of Cheerios being sucked into a vacuum cleaner even if you’re blindfolded.

16. You’ve pretty much forgotten how to set an alarm clock.

17. You’ve had seriously evil thoughts about ways to kill a cartoon character.

18. You have a stupid song stuck in your head all day long and you can’t figure out what song it is until you accidentally kick a toy and it starts playing that song.

19. You have to turn off the news when they start talking about a missing child.

20. You have twelve cup holders in your car and every single one of them is filled with something.

21. When you go out with your girl friends at night, the moment you all sit down you slap your cell phones face up on the table.

22.  You lie and tell your husband you’re having stomach issues so he’ll watch the rug rats while you enjoy some alone time in the bathroom.

23. One of your favorite cleaning products is saliva.

24. You’re not fazed when you sit down and find boogers on the arm of a chair.

25. Your least favorite day of the year is Daylight Savings.

26. You don’t say half of your words out loud. You spell them.

27. You’ve done the hot dog dance.

28. You can say all the words to Goodnight Moon from memory.

Okay, I’m sure I missed like a million of them so if you can think of more, add them to the comments section.

And if you liked this, please come to the dark side and check out my new book that’s coming out this October. It’s so funny you’ll laugh your ass off*


*not literally. Sorry.

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