Ten tips to writing a kickass online dating profile

Okay, you guys are probably like why the hell are YOU writing this list? You’re not single. Well, not too long ago I was. Until I did that whole online dating thing and met my totally awesome, badass, studmuffin hubby there. So yeah, I’m an F’ing expert on this subject and I’d be an a-hole not to share my brilliant wisdom with you. And if you’re thinking you’re all high and mighty because you’re not single and don’t need this, well, goody goody gumdrops for you, but be a saint and share this shit with your single friends. Here goes. Ten things to do when you’re creating an online dating profile:

1. Don’t tell the truth. Yeah, I know they say you’re supposed to be completely honest and crap but that’s bullshit. I mean when I met my hubby online, here’s what I wrote to him: “I like meat, sports and beer.” A. It totally got his attention. And B. If I were completely truthful, I would have written: “I like cats, TLC marathons, The Bachelorette, eating Hershey’s syrup straight out of the bottle, putting on my fat pants the second I get home, and meat, sports and beer.”

2. If you’re a woman, post a picture of yourself with a dog. If you’re a guy, post a picture of yourself with a baby. If you don’t have a baby, go to a park and ask a random stranger if she can take your picture while you hold her baby.

3. Do NOT mention any of the following words in your profile:








4. Be specific when you answer the questions. ‘Cause this is the shit I used to read all the time when I was doing it: I love walking on the beach and going on vacations and seeing movies. Wow, me too! And then I F’ing meet you and you’re like let’s go see some weird ass indie flick that’s in Swahili (Holy crap, I spelled that word right on the first try?!!! I keep waiting for the red squiggly line to appear under it) and I’m like, uhhhh, no, let’s go see a NORMAL movie, and you’re like but I thought you said you like movies, and I’m like yeah but not THAT kind. So anyways, instead of writing stuff like I love walking on the beach and going on vacations and seeing movies, try something more specific like I like subtitled films that are boring as shit, walking on nude beaches and visiting huts in Africa that don’t have TVs. That way people like me can avoid you like the plague.

5. Don’t post a picture of yourself with your car. I don’t care how F’ing nice it is. It’s just gonna make me think you’re a pretentious prick with a prick the size of a cocktail weenie.

6. And while we’re on the subject, don’t post a picture of yourself with your cat. If you’re a woman, you’ll look like a crazy cat lady. If you’re a guy you’ll look like a pussy.

7.  Show at least one full-body picture of yourself. I don’t give a crap whether you look like Christina Aguilera 2011 or Christina Aguilera 2013. Embrace your body, look self-confident, and they will come. Or if you’re not ready for that, just photoshop your head onto Halle Berry’s body and post that shit. I guarantee a bunch of guys will swoon over you and as soon as they meet you in person they’ll be won over by your sparkling personality and won’t care that your picture was a total sham. Awww shit, my sarcastic font must be broken.

8. Sure, you can use a selfie, (and read this part carefully) AS LONG AS NO ONE CAN TELL IT’S A SELFIE. Like you know those pictures people take of themselves in the mirror so you can see the camera? Ennnnnh, no. ‘Cause that kind of picture just screams, “Heyyy, I’m such a loser I don’t have any friends to take a picture of me!” I don’t give a rat’s ass if Justin Bieber does it. You’re not Justin Bieber. Unless you ARE Justin Bieber and you’re reading this in which case, holy crap, Justin Bieber is reading my blog. And please stop wearing your pants so low. But keep posing without your shirt on.

9. Yuse spel chek. Utherwize u luk lik a dum ass.

10. Don’t write your profile like you’re writing a text message. When someone types the word “u” instead of “you,” do you know what I think? I think if this jackass is in too much of a hurry to type two extra letters, maybe he does EVERYTHING too quickly. Mmmm-hmmmm, you know what I’m sayin’.

So there you go. Good luck! Remember, you F’ing rock and someone would be lucky to find you. Unless you’re an a-hole. In which case I hope you find someone and they dump your ass and you cry. Just sayin’.

If you like this, please follow me on twitter and Facebook and buy my book when it comes out this October.

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