Momventions. Yeah, I know that’s like a totally stupid name, but what do you think I am, a writer or something

Here’s the thing. I should be an F’ing millionaire. Nah, not off this blogging crap. That would just be my hobby that I’d do from my island in the Caribbean. But I could make like zillions of dollars if I ever got off my ass and figured out how to invent all the ideas I’ve had that would make moms’ lives like a billion times easier. I like to call them Momventions.

Think about it, once upon a time there wasn’t such thing as a Diaper Genie. People just threw out their diapers in a trashcan. Gasp! And there were no exersaucers, teething rings, baby wipes, potty seats, sound machines, Hooter hiders etc. etc. etc. Yup, moms had to make do without all that crap until someone invented it. And sure they survived without them, but life has gotten a helluva lot easier with them. So here’s a bunch of shit I wish someone else would come along and invent because I’m too lazy to figure out how to:

1. So you know when you go to the bank drive thru and there’s like that tube thingie and you put your stuff in the plastic canister and push a button and it shoots it to the teller inside? That shit’s amazing. I’m always wondering how heavy it can be. Like can I put my tic tacs in it? Or a brick? But of course I’m too embarrassed to ever try and I never have a brick with me anyway so it’s a moot point. So here’s what I’m thinking. F the Diaper Genie. Why can’t we all have those bank tubes installed in our homes to carry the dirty diapers directly to our garbage cans in the garage? I mean the canister would be a Hazmat zone but who cares. You’d pop your diaper into the tube, close it and whoooooosh, that shit would be G-O-N-E gone.

2. You know how it is. Your rug rat is screaming for the bikini top to Ariel’s bathing suit or some shit like that so you’re digging through the bottom of the toy bin looking for a miniscule piece of fabric the size of a postage stamp, when suddenly you see something. Awwww shit, are you kidding me? You knew you hadn’t seen the Buzz Lightyear sippy cup for a few weeks. And then you make the mistake of opening it. Aggggggh, noooooo, it’s DIY cottage cheese. Blaggh. So here’s what I propose. Could someone pleeeease invent a sippy cup that has a tracking device on it? You’d have a button or something in your kitchen and when you push it it would say, “Your sippy cup is located in the trunk of the fire engine in the living room.” Yeah, fine, whatever, I know a fire engine doesn’t have a trunk but you know what I mean.

3. Listen up MIT geniuses (geniae???). Want to make like a bazillion gazillion dollars? F flying cars. F jet packs. Here’s what you need to invent. Hover shoes. ‘Cause when my kiddo’s napping and my bladder is about to explode like a water balloon, I have to cup my hand over my vajayjay to hold it because I’m too scared to walk down the hall because the itty-bittiest tiniest squeak is gonna wake him, and at that moment I would happily go to Zappos and buy a pair of hover shoes for like $100,000. Plus, Zappos would deliver them in like two seconds before I explode.

4. Okay, this one is like totally doable. Why the F doesn’t the washing machine just automatically dump into the dryer? I mean like how flipping hard can it be for Kenmore to invent a washing machine that has a trap door that opens up so the wet clothes just fall into the dryer below? ‘Cause right now I have to sit there reaching in and transferring all that wet shit out of the washer and into the dryer and I always accidentally drop some wet sock or underwear onto the floor and I have to pick it up as fast as humanly possible before it gets dirty. As if it takes time for the dirt to transfer from the floor to the sock, so the faster I do it the better. It’s amazing, I’ll find an M&M on the ground that’s probably been there for weeks and I’ll still eat it, but I freak out when a clean sock touches the floor, the sock that I’m eventually going to put on my foot and wear to the Gymboree floor that’s covered in feet and spit and doodie particles.

5. Okay, WTF sippy cup manufacturers? Yeah, I’m talking to you again. Why in God’s name does every F’ing sippy cup have a different valve? I mean I grab a sippy cup and then I have to dig through like thousands of valves to find one that looks like a triangle or one that has two round doodads or one that I have no idea what it looks like. If they can invent a universal remote that can literally control like a million electronic devices through the air, how F’ing hard can it be to invent a universal sippy cup valve?

6. So you’re in the mall at H&M that is directly below Old Navy and it’s super easy to get from one to the other because the escalator is right there. Ennhhh, wrong. Because you’re pushing the stupid stroller so you have to walk alllllllll the way down to the elevator because strollers can’t go on escalators. Why? Yes I know it’s a safety issue, but WHY hasn’t a stroller company invented a stroller that can be wheeled onto an escalator? I mean my stupid Bugabooger can be converted so it’s easy to wheel in a snowstorm, a feature I have never used before, but the mall is like an F’ing mouse maze. WTF?

7. Okay, here’s another one. You know how the doctor’s office table has that roll of paper on it? Why can’t they have that on public diaper changing tables? I don’t give a rat’s ass that I have to carry around a changing pad everywhere (well, it’s a little annoying) but what I do care about is how many stray poop particles it touches. Poop on one side from my own rug rat and poop on the other side from someone else’s rug rat. So no matter which way I fold it, I’m basically putting poop into my bag. Can’t the government up our taxes by like one penny so they can install a roll of paper that people can use and then tear off on every changing table in America so we don’t have to put poop particles into our bags? Is that asking too much?

8. Okay, speaking of changing tables, how about this idea. Right now changing my toddler’s diaper is like wrestling a greased pig in a Jello-wrestling competition. So here’s what I propose. Can someone please create a Velcro changing table pad? The pad would be made of the Velcro and my kid’s shirt would be made of Velcro, so when it’s time to change his diaper getting him up on the table would be the only struggle. Once he’s up there, his ass is stuck. Well, not his ass, but his torso and arms. Yes, I realize this would mean that I would have to dress him in an ugly Velcro shirt every day and lots of other shit would probably stick to him too, but it would totally be worth it.

9. Putting sunscreen on my kids SUCKS BALLS. Like seriously, I would rather teabag some big ass scary elephant balls than apply sunscreen to my rug rats. Wait, no I wouldn’t, but still it’s pretty damn bad. So why can’t some company invent a sunscreen that you put on and it’ll last for like a week? Or better yet can someone invent a sunscreen pill? I mean if they can invent a little blue pill that erects a penis (wait, that sounds weird), can’t they invent a pill that’ll protect my kiddos from a silly star that’s 92,960,000 miles away? FYI, I’m so F’ing smart I didn’t have to look that number up ‘cause I knew it already (total lie).

10. Last but not least, drum roll please, buh dah buh dah buh dah buh dah buh dah (in case you’re wondering that’s supposed to sound like a drum roll), can someone please invent a socially-acceptable adult diaper for pregnant mommies? So when that little alien baby inside your belly decides to wring your bladder out like an F’ing washcloth, you’re covered. Because no woman should have to worry that if she sneezes in the middle of Starbucks that she’s going to have an accident all over the floor. The sign on the door says green straws under blue skies, not green straws under blue skies over yellow puddles. All in favor of Preggers Depends, say aye!

If you think this is kinda sorta funny and you want to read more of the good shit, uhh, I mean brilliant pieces I write, please join my facebook page and follow me on twitter. Thank you!

Leave a comment