So I was writing a blog the other day when I stumbled upon this shit. Have you seen this?! It’s this plastic funnel thingie called GoGirl that you can use for peeing in places where having a penis would be handy. My first thought was I cannot NOT write about this. I mean, my life would not be complete. Yeah, you heard me right GoGirl, you complete me. Literally. You turn my vajayjay into a peeper.
I’m tempted to go buy one just so I can say I’m writing from experience but N to the motherfucking (I can’t believe spell check is okay with that word) O. Just the fact that they call it an FUD (and for those of you who are idiots like myself and do not know what that stands for, it stands for Female Urination Device). I think there was supposed to be more to that sentence, but I forgot where I was going with it. Anyways, here are some words that rhyme with FUD. Mud, dud, cud, thud, crud. See? Pretty much anything that ends with the letters “ud” is a bad thing.
So no, I will never wear a FUD for all sorts of reasons. Starting with the fact that I’d be laughing so hard the pee would just fly everywhere and I’d end up splatter-painting the whole bathroom with a abstract urine painting. Which would be worth a lot one day when I’m famous, but currently is worth shit. Now that’s irony when a urine painting is worth shit.
Here’s one of the things the GoGirl website says about its product. “While the concept may be new to you, European women have used FUDs for years.” Well, guess what, that’s not convincing. Many of them also don’t shave their pits either. And they use bidets, aka water fountains for their assholes. Hells no. And they drink lots of red wine and don’t shower a lot. Wait, I guess I do those things.
And here’s another reason there ain’t no F’ing way I’m using a FUD. My kids watch me do everything in the bathroom. EVERYTHING. If they thought tampons were weird, they’re going to shit a brick when they see Mommy has a fake penis. That’s hot pink. And I can just see it now. I turn around from washing my hands and my son will be wearing the fake penis upside down on his head like a pointy hat. The fake penis that was just on my hooha. Getting peed in.
And I know what some of you are thinking. That at least urine is sterile. Well, I’ve got news for you. Urine is not sterile. Urine is urine. And no one needs to touch urine that came out of someone else’s body. Especially with their head.
But wait, there’s more. Check this shit out. Apparently people who use this fake penis are so proud of it, they sell all these accessories you can also buy:
WHAT???!!! So basically you can get a fake tattoo that says you have a fake penis? I’m just debating where on my body I would put my fake tattoo. My ass maybe? No that’s just misleading. Where a tramp stamp goes? Something tells me my hubby doesn’t want to see an ad for my fake penis during you know what in the you know what position (hey, I gotta be cryptic, my parents read my shit, ya know?) Okay, so how about my FUPA? Lots of chicks have tattoos there. The only problem is then it would be covered up when I’m using my GoGirl, but I guess that doesn’t matter because if anyone sees me at that moment they’ll totally see that I support GoGirl because I’m using it. And also if anyone sees me using my GoGirl, I’ll kill myself so who really gives a shit?
And look what else you can buy:
I don’t even know what to say about this. Hey, do you have any lip balm? Yeah, but it advertises a product I put on my hooha to take a leak.
And you’re going to need something to carry your GoGirl in so here you go:
Hey, guess what I’m carrying in my nifty tote bag on the way to that public restroom! Yeahhh you guessed it, my hot pink fake penis! I mean, I’ve tucked many a tampon up my sleeve on my way to the restroom so that no one would know what I’m headed to do, but sure I’ll carry around a bag that actually says I use a fake penis to pee sometimes. NOT.
Anyways, this is all in good fun. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out camping (translation: drank too much and have to pee in a back alley halfway home), and squatted down to pee and the pee seems to be going in a straight shot when suddenly it veers to the side and gets attached to my leg and basically pours in a steady stream right into my pants, so then it just looks like I peed in my pants, which I didn’t. I peed ON my pants.
So who knows? Maybe I would like a GoGirl, but there’s no F’ing way I’m going to find out. Unless someone from GoGirl is reading this and wants to send me one for free. Or maybe if one day I find myself in that Slumdog Millionaire porta potty. Or if someone wants to pay a lot of money for a urine painting. You know, if you have a yellow room that you need some artwork for. Okay, I think I crossed a line. Again.
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