Archive for February 2013

I Have A Dream, by Baby Sideburns

Yo MLK, Can I call you that? Shit, you can’t even answer me can you? Damn that a-hole who ruined it for everyone. F’ing party pooper. Anyways, I have to say how much I admire you. While I’m still a little pissed that my main woman Hillary isn’t sitting in the oval office, I’m pretty... Read more »

Even Jennifer Garner wants to be Jennifer Garner

Even Jennifer Garner wants to be Jennifer Garner
Every time I fake having IBS so I can sit on the toilet and read my new People magazine (while the kids play with knives and hand grenades outside the door), I group the celebs I see into three different categories: There are the ones I want to look like but don’t want to be.... Read more »

How I met the only guy on earth who was stupid enough to marry me

So today I thought I’d tell you a little personal story. The story of how my hubby and I met. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Barforama. Well, hopefully you’ll also think it’s funny so you’ll be barfing out one end and peeing out the other. Either way, just to be safe, you better read... Read more »

I wish I liked vajayjays, but please don’t tell my husband

Okay, I’m sure this shit is going to be all kinds of politically incorrect (duh, you’re reading Baby Sideburns not Martha Fucking Stewart), so if you’re a lesbian and you’re reading this please feel free to rip me a new one in the comments section. But really I mean this in the nicest way possible... Read more »

It's all fun and games until someone takes a leak with a fake hot pink penis

So I was writing a blog the other day when I stumbled upon this shit. Have you seen this?! It’s this plastic funnel thingie called GoGirl that you can use for peeing in places where having a penis would be handy. My first thought was I cannot NOT write about this. I mean, my life... Read more »

Ten reasons I know there's NO F'ING WAY God is a woman

So back in college I took this feministy class (it fulfilled some weird requirement, not that I don’t believe in equality, I just don’t believe in sitting next to some woman who doesn’t shave her armpits but likes to raise her hand a lot in class), and I remember a discussion we had about God.... Read more »