Question: Can my three-year-old have an abortion if she wants one?

If you ask my husband, our daughter is never having sex. Ever. If it’s up to him, she’ll be living in a convent, and she’ll be a nun even though we’re Jewish, with lesbian tendencies and no desire to ever be with a man, and we’ll still have a baby monitor with a camera in her bedroom. Or nook, or whatever nuns sleep in.

Of course this is quite different than what I hope for as a mother. As a mom I hope she turns into the person I hated most in high school. Besides my gym coach. I’m talking about that bitch who got to marry her high school sweetheart. I don’t care how nice she was, just on principle I have to hate her because:

A. She doesn’t even know what it’s like to have a pimple you can’t stop messing with that won’t stop bleeding which makes it impossible to cover up.

B. It’s not fair that anyone gets to marry the first person they ever slept with.

WTF? Girls like me had to go through a dozen assholes before I finally met my wonderful, gorgeous prince in my late twenties. And then he dumped me. And I had no choice but to drown my sorrows in hairy, short men on J-Date. Many many many bad dates later, I finally met my “Jewish” husband who’s adopted and tall and most likely Irish.

But back to the subject at hand, my daughter and her impenetrable vajayjay. Deep down inside, I know that one day she’s going to do it. What? It. Think of pink elephants, think of pink elephants. Must. Think. Of. Something. Different.

Let’s face it. My kid’s going to be a little fucked up. When you have a mom like me, it’s inevitable. Which makes it highly unlikely that she’ll get through high school unscathed, much less permanently together with her high school sweetheart.

So I know I have to prepare for the worst. That one day somewhere between losing her virginity in the back seat of a Prius (someone’s going to have to invent a smaller sex position) and looking for her prince charming on A-Date (the future dating website for atheists), she might possibly get accidentally pregnant. What does a heart attack feel like because I think I just had one?

Warning: here’s where I get all serious and shit. For the sake of my super cute daughter (here’s a picture so you know who you’re voting for)…


… please please please vote for Obama. You see, the next president will probably be appointing at least two Supreme Court justices and my daughter deserves the right to choose. Because if she fucks up, it’s because I fucked her up. And I want to make sure she has every available option open to her.

Side note, if for some reason Romney wins tomorrow, I think two things should happen.

  1. I should be immediately granted a green card in Canada, or whatever the equivalent is. Ay?
  2. Romney should have to wear one of those fake pregnancy bellies for nine months before he appoints anyone.

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