Archive for October 2012

The Krims and what we can learn from them

Yesterday I did the same thing many of you did. I read about the Krim family with horror. And like many of you, I hugged my kids a little more, a little harder, with a hint of desperation last night. In the back of my head, I even considered canceling the babysitter we hired for... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 27, 2012 at 7:37 am • 

The worst $7 mistake I ever made

The worst $7 mistake I ever made
I remember the conversation like it was yesterday, which is weird because sometimes I can’t even remember my middle name. Earlier this summer my friend told me her daughter will only wear this one sundress so she has to do the laundry every night. Being the amazing friend that I am I nodded and smiled,... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm • 

Mommy by day. Drug-pusher by night.

Want to know how I sleep these days? With a sound machine blaring, earplugs shoved so deep they’re touching my brain, and a pillow held so tightly over my head it might smother me. In fact, let me go on the record now and say that if they ever find me dead in the morning... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 24, 2012 at 10:27 am • 
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I’m the asshole who plays Caillou on my iPad at restaurants

I’m the asshole who plays Caillou on my iPad at restaurants
Dear unfortunate waiter, Well, we made it. Barely. I know tonight wasn’t exactly what you pictured when you strapped on your little black apron, so I’d like to offer you my sincerest apology. Here goes. 1. I’m sorry my baby removed and sucked on every sugar packet on the table. I tried to shove them... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm • 

F is for Fugly

Every time I drop my daughter off at school two things go through my head I’m freeeeeee! Wait, I don’t get to see what she does today? For the first three years of her life I’ve been there for everything. To see every smile, giggle, cry, hair pull, and snart. Just so I’m not bombarded... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 11, 2012 at 1:43 pm • 

Skinny women shouldn't be allowed to order salads

So the other day I was in a restaurant stressing out over the menu (do I get the pizza and feel guilty the whole night or do I get the salad and feel jealous the whole meal?), when I overheard a super skinny woman standing next to me place her order. WOMAN: I’ll have the... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 10, 2012 at 9:24 am • 
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An Open Letter to Mitt Romney (by a Ranting Lunatic Mom)

Dear Mitsy, I hope you don’t mind if I call you that. So the other night I was watching you in that debate, or as I like to call it, what the fuck happened to my favorite TV shows tonight, when something suddenly occurred to me. No matter how many lies you tell, I’m not... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm • 

Kristin Cavallari must be drunk on breast milk

Wanna know what breastfeeding feels like? Try this: Take off your shirt Go get a blow torch Go get some sandpaper Go get a bunch of needles Go get a mousetrap Go get some acid Apply all of these to your nipples simultaneously And there you have it. No one ever tells you this before... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm • 

Sometimes I wish I never had kids

Okay, don’t tell a soul but I have a deep dark secret I have never shared with anyone. The truth is I have a few. Like the fact that I had hairy shoulders when I was a baby, the fact that when I throw candy away sometimes I go back to the trashcan to eat... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 3, 2012 at 1:41 pm • 
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Helllooo? Is anybody dead in there?!

So today I’m sitting at a traffic light when the woman next to me starts smoking a Virginia Slims cigarette. Two things go through my head A. Do people still smoke? B. I thought there was a requisite that people who smoke Virginia Slims have to have their ears double-pierced and live in the 80’s... Read more »
By Karen Alpert,
October 1, 2012 at 10:01 am •