Long…long ago, in a bedroom far away, you and your spouse could take one look at each other at any point in the day or night, and just go at it.
Once upon a time, a lazy weekend afternoon meant nookie, reading the paper in silence, and perhaps watching a Chicago-based sports team (for locals, at least).
If both spouses came home early from work and were staying in on a week night, I’d bet you would probably have sex.
With apologies to my parents and Scott’s parents, to whom we have joked that we have only had sex two times in our lives, once for Zoe and once again for Sam,… let’s talk about sex, (baby. -as if I could resist. Are you singing it now too?).
Oh, but this is Ay, Mama! so I’m talking about the sex that Mommies have. The no-longer-spontaneous sex. The dangerous, OMG, the kids could be right outside that door sex. This strange new world of parental sex is in no way an easy one to maneuver through, but we try.
I don’t believe I am alone in saying that our sex life completely changed after having kids. The issue I found amusing was that while I knew it was coming, it came as a total surprise to my husband.
There are several types of sex that Mommies have, and here are a few I have been curating.
1. The Just-to-get-you-to-shut-up Sex: You have not been able to find the time to have sex in way too long and your spouse will not let up on that fact. Neither of you are happy about it. You do this to appease them. (See Also: “Quickie”)
2. The Baby Is Sleeping Sex: Even though your little bundle of joy is two rooms over, this is by far the quietest sex ever had. If colic is in your world, you may never reach this step as you are probably asleep now too, and have my sympathies.
3. The If One More Person Touches Me Today, I Will Scream! Sex: You’ve spent your entire day as a pillow, being crawled upon, tugged on, climbed on. Hours of this pass, and later, your spouse appears to be ready to start hugging on you as well. You want to go at it too, but if you are touched one more time, you may scream. Please note: Missionary position will not work in this case. Be creative.
4. Hotel Room Sex: If you are lucky enough to get away, oh those rare, magical moments in a hotel are, indeed, rare and magical. I am still not sure why, but hotel sex rocks.
5. The Take Me NOW! Sex: The kids have gone to the neighbor’s house, but could return at any moment. Quick! Run, jump (me) and get to it!
6. Post-Date Sex: This is usually the best sex, and in my house, usually drunken. You have spent time together and as you reconnect as two adults, you remember that you really do like this person you spawned with. The kids are fast asleep when you get home. You can finally take your time and enjoy. (Hhmmm, I may have to get a sitter this weekend!)
7. The Distraction Sex – Perhaps to take the mind off of bills, work, or maybe as a distraction from excessive holiday spending or any other stressful issue, really. Truly, the funnest method of stress relief.
8. The ‘Just Need Sex’ Sex: Pretty self explanatory.
9. The Wake Up Honey! I’m back from Girl’s Night Out! Sex: After a rousing night hanging out, chatting (and possibly drinking) with your best gals, you arrive home late to a dark, quiet house. Essentially, you wake your husband and Hop on Pop. Unfair Note: This offer can not be used after a Boys Night Out, at least in my house. I do not wish to sleep with you after a Bears game while you are slurring your words after a long day (and night) out with your buddies.
10. Make-Up Sex: No, not sex with blush and mascara which is where my mind always goes when discussing this one. I picture some husband with this fetish, wishing to be made up and look pretty. If Sex Advice Columnist Extraordinaire Dan Savage has taught us anything, it’s that if your spouse has a kink and it is within your realm of acceptability-go for it! (as opposed to way outside of your comfort zone, like in ‘American Horror Story’- is anyone else creeped out by the character our cutie-pie Will from Will and Grace is now portraying? Egads!)
Ahem…where were we? Oh yes, Make-Up Sex: We’ve all done this one. After a fight, disagreement, or when you just are annoyed with your spouse. You do it, you get over it, you move on. Side Note: can be very heated and passionate.
11. The Game Stop Video Game Sex: Where you buy the kids a new video game and you have at least an hour uninterrupted.
12. The Hurry-up-and-finish-I-hear-the-kids-coming-up-the-stairs sex: Usually takes place in the morning with the bedroom door ajar because we were too lazy to get out of bed and close it.
13. The 50 Shades of Grey Sex: porn for women. Men everywhere are delighted as their lady reads the book. (Kinky stuff-see above- may or may not be utilized.)
As long as you and your spouse are still able to reconnect as adults after babies and as you raise your child(ren), good on you. If you are not, perhaps get that babysitter, and when you return home to your own quiet, sleeping house, get to it!
*Special thanks go out to Eileen MacKenzie, Amy Lies, Amy Olson and Keri Graham for helping me compile this list.