Occasionally-reliable sources are reporting that Donald Trump is preparing pardons for
well known figures of whom –he allegedly alleges,–“fake history has been unfair to,in their indictments slurring and sullying their good names”
Following is an alleged list of the alleged recipients of the alleged pardons. along with the President’ alleged commentary defending their behavior.
- Attila the Hun: “Sure he wiped out a lot of people, but they must have been pretty bad hombres because today “Attila-Not-Vanilla’ (as I callhim) is looked upon as Hungary’s George Washington, Look it up.”
- Gengis Khan: ” Maybe he overdid it a little, but that guy got more pussy that probably anybody in history except maybe one or two others. That’s why I consider myself a Khan man.
- Charles Manson: “Just because a couple of his disciples killed those left-wing Hollywood elitists, doesn’t make Charle guilty of murder. Think of how many moms have found out that their kid has, say, stolen a candy bar and used the excuse that his friends steal too and told him he could do it to, then the mother says ‘if they told you to jump in the river, would you jump in the river? No.’ Same with Charlie. They didn’t have to kill those enemies-of-the-people just because he told them to. Sort of the same as politics. Just because a, oh say, big time office holder suggests that an underling do something, oh say, illegal or unconstitutional, doesn’t mean the office holder is guilty. I call this my “jump in the lake” defense. And millions of Moms have my backside on this one.
- Jeff Daumer. “He should never have been charged with so-called “necrophilia”. I maintain that the absence of a “No” constitutes legal consensual sex. Also, I resent a bunch of ‘Do-Gooders” telling other people–even presidential people–what they should and shouldn’t eat. Who do they think they are, Nigerian-born Michelle Obama?”
- Ponzi. “I don’t know the first name of this Captain of Capitalism, but the fake historians carp at him just because he had an original idea, They call it a scheme. I call it a business plan. I think they should build a shrine to this man, maybe make a biopic of his life called “Caveat Emptor Empire”… maybe starring Henry Winkler as “the Ponz,”
- Robert Mugabe: “Anybody who can become filthy rich in a shit-hole country like his, whatever it was, must have taken a short-cut or two. That’s business. I call him a hero, “my African-American African”.
- Richard Nixon: “Fake historians overlook the fact that by extending the duration of a war, he assured that America maintained its continuous global dominance in wheelchair basketball.”
- Caligula: “Look , being the head of state isn’t exactly a bed of roses. To relieve the pressures, the guy had to take time off for recreation. I don’t think they had golf then, so instead he had orgies. Sort of like that guy Epstein –who I never really knew– used to have. Those photos of me with him, I think you know are fake. Just like the peepee tapes that the Democrats might try to publish later this year. By the way, I would have sent a condolence card to Epstein’s close friends and loved ones, but it turns out nobody actually knew him.”
- Roy Cohn: “A great philosopher. And my life coach. Indeed, his wise words to me personally have guided all my actions all my adult life, to wit “Donald, never apologize. Instead attack your accusers at all costs.” He taught me that you can even go after institutions like the military like he did with another hero of mine, Joe McCarthy. Just to get more cushy duty and a commission for his G.I good friend, David. That’s how come I can attack the CIA, the FBI, the Congress, the Judiciary, and all those disloyal people I hired at the time they were the best people but they turned into bad hombres. And, boy, Roy was no homo and he stuck to that story till the day he died of, um, I don’t remember what he died of. But I miss him. Such a loyal guy.”
- Adolph Hitler:”Oh,I know he did a lot of bad stuff, but just like those guys that marched in Charlesburg or Charlestown or Charles whatever, there were some good things about him too. Those counterfeit historians forget that he incarcerated Socialists, Communists, Gypsies, Homosexuals, and Retards too. Plus he improved the railroads. And he loved dogs. I can even forgive him for being a vegetarian. And I don’t apologized for that.”
Filed under: politics