How to Settle the Internal NRA Dispute

It seems clear that neither Warren Lapierre  nor Ollie North is willing to surrender a single weapon in their monumental struggle for power.  Each tirelessly shoots down the other’s arguments.  So  to finally settle the territorial war , maybe they should try to shoot each other down.  Literally.

Hey, there’s historical precedent after all.  Think Hamilton and Burr.

What I’m proposing here  an  exemption to the law against dueling in this unique case of tension between two monumental macho figures.  Think of what an event it would be!  It could be held at a Dallas area football stadium, renamed for this competition,  Lee Harvey Oswald Memorial Park, capacity 150,000. Think the musical “Hamilton” is a tough ticket?  Hmph!  Amidst instant SRO sales, scalpers would price upper grandstand tickets for, say, $500 each. Fox would outbid everybody for the televising rights, knowing that the spectacle would supplant in ratings any other telecast in broadcast history.  Fox would name the event, Dueling Freedom-Fighting Fogies , backgrounded by the song, Dixieland. In response, CNN, playing  as background the banjo scene from Deliverance, would name it Dueling Assholes.  Fox would appoint as on-the-spot reporters Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones and a not-yet-named felon sentenced to prison by Robert Mueller.

Pre-game ceremonies begin with the PA announcer (an unseen Charlton Heston imitator) introducing  Ted Nugent (backed by an ad hoc singing group of Elvis impersonators called Gunfight-At-The-OK Chorale) who  warbles a version of the National Anthem so mawkishly sugar-coated,  17 attendees suffer diabetic blackouts.. A new law has been passed. Anybody caught not standing  erect as a telephone pole with hand over heart during the Anthem will be arrested, taken to police headquarters,  and within 3 hours, blindfolded and perforated to oblivion by an M1-toting firing squad.

Next, I envison, the two antagonists standing glaring face to glaring face at midfield. Placed between them   is the referee,  a grinning Eric Trump (now the Secretary of Commerce and substituting  for his father, who is otherwise occupied  in Saudi Arabia cheating at  golf in a foursome with billionaire   dictators who have at least 5 murder denials each  to their credit).  Reading from text inked on his forearms, Eric  outlines the rules of misconduct. ” You have mutually agreed to your choice of weapon type.  After 30 paces, you will commence firing. If each of you succeeds in killing the other, it will be declared a dead heat. Dead heat, get it? If one of you, say it’s you Ollie, ( who, by the way, has been installed as a 7 to 2 favorite in Vegas), you get to take over the NRA. And , course, vice versa.  If neither of you is deceased after the initial round, there will be a five minute intermission before the match goes into sudden death overtime.  Sudden death, get it? May the worst man win.”

I will not hazard a speculation about the outcome.  Just the income.  Through a nationwide referendum, by acclamation, American voters demand that all profits  be shared by the families of the school children shot to death by mass murderers.  A thunderous grumble rises from the NRA membership, but is stilled by the dozen members who are Russian agents. “The organization is already in trouble; Vladimer says don’t make more,” scolded their spokesperson, an busty red head who did not disclose her real name.

After the roaring popularity of the duel, plans are announced to make this spectacle an annual competition.  Regulations deemed to be more humane have been instituted.  For example, no weapon can have more than a 30-round capacity –as was the the case in the Lapierre/North duel; only consenting NRA members whose dues are fully paid up are eligible;  signs bearing swastikas taller than three feet are not allowed.

For this recommendation aimed at quelling the rancor and bitterness that is threatening to sunder the NRA,  no expressions of gratitude is necessary. Nor is any financial recompense asked. Thank you.





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