How to Out-Patriot Your Fellow Patriots at Soldier Field

Soon after some NFL players began taking a knee during the National Anthem, a horde  of flag-fawning fauna amassed in the Soldier Field stands  to starting taking   extraordinary  countermeasures in the form of star-spangled displays of super patriotism at the blare of the first note. As a consequence of the fevered, preening  rush to flaunt jingoistic ardor, one-upsmanship seems to have  gone a bit berserk  and has becomed the disorder of the day in a manner that Steven Potter could have never imagined. But ultrapatriotism competition at sport venues is nothing new.

According to sports historians, the whole ritual started innocently at Comiskey Park, in the thick of a World Series game in 1918, a year of wartime chauvinistic zeal. Seems, for postseason home games, the Cubs rented the White Sox home field which held double the seating capacity of Cubs Park. During the seventh inning stretch of a pitching duel between t Cub Hippo Vaughn and  Red Sox Babe Ruth, a fervor-fueled  musician felt compelled to play the song that was still a dozen years away from being declared the National Anthem. One player, reportedly a forgettable ( thus largely forgotten)Cubs’ infielder—who was splitting time between employment by the Cubs and the U.S. military–saw it as his martial duty to  whip himself to attention. Naturally,  among the other MLB owneres there was an immediate chain reaction. They lunged into an  insane Keystone-Cop dash to follow the leader, deciding eventually to play the anthem before games. Seems the  pregenitorial showoff had invented an inspirational move that was destined to inspire the same effect on pre-game ceremony that the big-bang ignited on the known universe.

Now if you happen to be an America-First  Bear-game attendee who would like to take a  retaliatory knee to the collective groin of the players taking a literal knee, and devoutly wish  to deliver your blow with unrivaled resounding impact, I’m afraid you’re in a fix. You’ve got rivals who are already engaged in fierce one, two and even three upsmanship. The first responders’ opening gambit was: rising to rigid attention wearing a face of grimmest, sincerest gravitas. Not to be outdone, others added hand-over-heart riposte. while still others reached further into the jewelry box of solemnity with   soldierly salutes.  There have even been uncorroborated sightings of saluting over the heart.  Who knows, this whole contest might soon turn into a runaway locomotive of, well, loco motive.

So, how, as a patriot,  can one  out-patriot the competition?  Bear with me, and I’ll fix your fix. Let’s start with a bit of an etymological dig, shall we?  The word testament derives from the Bible  ( you know,The Old Testament) and carries as a meaning :  a sacred covenant between God and man.  The derivation of the word testes  is none other than our old friend testament. Indeed, there was a period in history when men would swear to the veracity of their declarations by clutching  that part of their anatomy they held as most sacred—their testes.

Hence, your winning strategy.  As follows. At the sonic alert of “Oh, say, can you…” swing your right hand upward into salute position, ready to swing it back over your heart, alternating between the two stations every, say, three seconds throughout the playing of the anthem.  Now, the important part of your tribute. As you lift your right hand, lower your left crotchward, then gently cup your testes.  As the music plays on, so can you. i.e. to further express your fealty to the fatherland, you may exercise the fast-forward option of shaking your scrotum. With vigor, please. If you happen the feel an incipient tumescence of your penis, do not attempt to quell its advance toward a  destiny that cannot be denied.  By the time the music begins  its triumphant swelling toward “Land of the Free”  your stampeding blood should have brought your penis to full swell.  And, I ask you, what could be more ultrapatriotic than –during the anthem’s stirring close–snapping your penis to full military attention? See. You’ve out-patrioted any and all challengers, rendering their gestures feeble.

And think of this. The bonus beauty of your maneuver lies in an analogy that should rightly stare you in the face. As in the human anatomy, just as  testicles support the erected schmuck–in the body politic, your cradled testicles will have shown your support of the elected schmuck in the White House.










Filed under: Culture, Politicd, politics, Sports

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