Recent rumors have it that President-Elect Donald Trump is in the process of closing a deal to purchase eight of Dante’s Nine Circles of Hell. “It’s one hell of a deal for me,” Trump trumpeted , according to reliably uninformed sources. “This is very, very hot property, and I really got it for a terrifically low price, my soul.”
Other unreliably informed sources report that Trump in swagger mode with regard to “really hoodwinking Lucifer on this one”. One informant claims that there are already several liens on Trump’s soul, including those possessed by Steve Bannon, David Duke, the American Nazi Party and others too numerous and too shady to mention.
Some of my sources claim that Trump has already been residing in these Circles for years, using them for both office space and vacation quarters, which naturally begs the inference that each Circle fits snugly into his catalog of moral transgressions. The eight:
1.Lust: I guess we’ve all heard the genitalia-grabbing tape, eh? And certainly know about the long history of finger pointing from a throng of women who have detailed encounters of unwelcome sexual aggression by Trump, to say nothing of the imputations of his cheating on two wives.. And then there’s the repeated prurient peeping into the Miss Teen Age America dressing room. Enough there already to figure that Mr. Trump may be comfortable living in the lair of Lust. Though when asked about genitalia, he reportedly denied knowing “anything about purchasing an Italian airline headquartered in Genoa.” On that one I believe he said it, believe me.
2. Gluttony: Who can forget the spectacle of Donald in the infamous Cinco-de-Mayo campaign photo stuffing his face on a the foothill of food in his Trump-Grill taco bowl, and submitting this gorging as evidence that he “loved Hispanics.”? Rumor has it that he is planning to decorate his forthcoming Gluttony domain–in keeping with his bent for excess– with the customary Trump theme of golden vulgarity.
3.Greed: Regarding this Circle’s stated turpitude: Ask the Polish immigrants who contend that he cheated them out of their pay after they built Trump Tower. And ask all the vendors and contractors who hold that Trump has serially stiffed them. And let’s not overlook the Chinese steel the penny-pinching tycoon used to build his Vegas hotel. Seems greed is good after all. For Donald anyway.
4.Wrath: I lost count of all the raging vituperations he has hurled against his critics via Twitter. Are there any fulminations more bitterly fuming that Trump’s Gripes of Wrath? Me no think so.
5. Heresy: When asked what his favorite book was, he answered–apart from The Art of the Deal of course–“the Bible.” When further asked to name his favorite passage or verse he was struck dumb, then demurred by answering (apparently borrowing a page from the Sarah Palin playbook) ” I like them all.” Sure , Donald. sure. And by the way, can anyone remember any news source reporting the presence of Donald Trump in any house of worship before the campaign? Not a prayer, eh?
6. Violence: I seem to recollect Trump, on more than one occasion, inciting his followers to beat the hell out of someone who opposed him. Or was I imagining it? Beats me.
7. Fraud: He certainly has been accused of it. Trump University. The Trump “foundation.” Atlantic City. And a few more. And then there’s the question of fraudulence surrounding of his seemingly full head of obedient hair.
8. Treachery: Putin. Assange. Chinese manufacturers. Comey. Hackers. Is Trump in league with any or all of them? All we are reasonably certain of, is that–as leader of the free world–he’s out of his league.
What’s that you say? I’ve forgotten about the ninth (actually the first) Circle of Hell? Not so. It’s been reported to me by my dubious sources that Trump declined to make a deal for Limbo, confessing that he’s put on a bit of belly fat, hence the plump Mr. Trump is no longer good at doing the limbo, though he assures us that he used to be “great at doing the limbo: nobody was better . No bar was so low, I couldn’t get lower, believe me.”
Some have surmised that Trump, once in office, will invoke his power to issue executive orders and will command his critics to go to Hell, at which time he will charge them obscenely exorbitant rents just to get even.
Asked about the Trump development plans for the eight circles, one purported spokesperson said “Hotels, casinos, golf courses, resorts, the usual. And though Hell is already a gated community, Donald wants to replace the Gates of Hell with a Wall sure to keep hombres–bad and good– from entering illegally.” Queried about what Trump would do if these ambitious projects should fail, the spokesperson shrugged, “That’s easy. He’ll declare moral bankruptcy.”