127 Minutes: My Hate Letter to Comcast

127 Minutes: My Hate Letter to Comcast

Aron Ralston was out climbing big rocks one day and managed to get his arm stuck under a boulder. You may know the ending to this story, but if you don’t – spoiler alert – Aron cut his own arm off to escape. The story is true and they even made a movie about it starring the guy from Pineapple Express entitled 127 Hours. This weekend, I had a very very similar ordeal. I was on the phone with Comcast for 127 minutes and I too wanted to cut my own arm off. Comcast, this is my letter to you:

Dear Comcast,

My name is Tim and I am one of your customers. I’ve been told that back in the day people used to write letters to companies that have scorned them. My Nana tells me that she once wrote a complaint letter to Kellog’s because they added sugar to her Corn Flakes and the cartoon tiger frightened her. Now, this is not as trivial as that, but nonetheless, it has been 48 days since my last full day with cable and/or internet.

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Oh trusted cable provider, I’m not sure if you realize this, but America has put a man on the moon. There they were, taking one small step for man while we watched the broadcast from the comfort of our sofas. How is it that we were able to watch that broadcast in 1969 from outer fucking space yet I can’t get 2 continual days with cable here on planet Earth? Comcast, I need my life force. I need to see WWE wrestlers hitting each other with steel chairs. I need to see two naked strangers building camps and eating snakes. Oh my god, what if they capture Bigfoot this week and I miss it? I can’t even go on the internet! Who will watch all the cat videos? Comcast, who will watch the porn?

Oh God of Cable and Internet, much like Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, I can’t quit you. You have successfully cornered the market here in Chicago and my options are either you or Get Fucked. I guess my choice of cities to live in is my fault as I have to deal with your failure as a company. I can’t have a satellite dish. I can’t have AT&T. I can have the steaming piling of shit you call Comcast “service”. I would rather pay Rich Uncle Pennybags the hard earned 200 dollars I was supposed to receive when I passed Go than give you 200 dollars for your Monopoly yet here I am.

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Oh Comcastic Comcast, I was on the phone with one of your customer service reps for 127 minutes. That is two hours of my weekend spent trying to understand whatever language the rep was speaking. That is two hours of my life I spent explaining the exact same situation I have had to explain to numerous other reps for 48 days. That is two hours of my day trying to figure out this bill. It was explained to me that Comcast doesn’t give credits for intermediate service. How is it possible that the customer has to pay for something that doesn’t work only because it works half the time? Comcast, I am not the Chicago Bulls, I shouldn’t have to pay for this Derrick Rose service.

Oh Xfinity Fucktards, believe it or not, this blog does ok. Not to toot my own horn here, but I think people read me because they think very like-minded. I’m sure that many of my readers hate your asses too. In fact, you are the WORST COMPANY IN AMERICA! You are more hated than Monsanto. You are more hated than Abercrombie and Fitch. Comcast, you are more hated than Sea World. Think about that. You are more hated than companies who genetically modify food we eat, enslave dolphins, and make you smell like teenage rape. Comcast, you are horrible. But the check’s in the mail.. sealed with my tears.

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