Last night I was on the couch watching Bigfoot Hunters as those brave soldiers are going to catch that son of a bitch one of these episodes and I’m sure as hell not going to miss it. Between her eye rolls, my girlfriend, instead of watching potential history unfold before her eyes, sat scrolling through Facebook. Suddenly she hit mute and asked if I had read an article my sister from Chi Town Mommy Mayhem had posted. My reply of course was, “No, I’m watching Bigfoot Hunters. Who has time to take their eyes off of the screen? He could be anywhere.” My girlfriend then began to read me the dumbest article I have ever heard entitled, “Why Guys Should Not Be Required To Go Down On Girls.”
A master of click bait this article was, and half way through it I had to shut it down. Was this an Onion article? Is this guy serious? This has to be an act, right? The article was from a website called Total Frat Move that I’m assuming is geared toward prepubescent boys who still think Pitbull is a musician. With other articles entitled, “The Etiquette Of Banging Your Sister’s Friends” and “Girly TV Shows That Will Get You Laid” I realized that this is an actual website that caters to the lowest common denominator. Stay Classy.
The article in question though, a literary masterpiece with 17 – count em’ – 17 different euphemisms for a woman’s vagina including classics such as sushi, sauerkraut, and a gutter, claims it shouldn’t be mandatory for a man to perform cunnilingus on a woman. While I guess that phrase is true, no person should be forced to do anything they don’t want to, the author was in the wrong mind set. He claims that he is the pants wearer in the relationship and because he already has a checklist of manly duties around the house, giving a girl oral doesn’t make it to the top ten.
The author claims that because society dictates him to give his woman pleasure, he shouldn’t have to. He claims that because he does all the thrusting in the bedroom he shouldn’t have to “submit himself to such atrocities”. Let me put on my polo and flex my biceps real quick so this author can understand. Bro, you are doing sex wrong. You think that going down on a woman is submissive? It’s one of the most dominating things you can do in the bedroom. You are in complete control of that situation. Just because you are bad at it and think it’s work, and because you can’t find the clitoris much like Bigfoot Hunters can’t find Bigfoot, it doesn’t make it submissive. And as far as the thrusting, I would venture to say your women aren’t very happy with your 32.4 seconds of jackhammering. Ever heard of having a woman on top? Probably not as your conquests are probably passed out drunk or roofied. No wonder you’re doing all the thrusting, Bro.
I feel the need to inform the youth that frequent this website the importance and the joy of going down on your girl. I mean, you should be doing it so often that you have a standing appointment with a chiropractor. You should Alanis Morissette her in a theater. You should eat vagina like David Hasselhoff drunkenly eats cheeseburgers. You should do it so often, you are able to eat pudding cups sans spoon. You should never be able to go swimming because that’s how much you’ve eaten. You should go down on girls as much as Internet Explorer goes down on the world. Remember Alf? You should be Alf. (See, anyone can do this.)
It’s called mutual pleasure. Unless you like the sound of your girlfriend faking orgasms, it’s best to warm up that engine before punching the throttle. (Jesus, I’m starting to sound like this guy.) I personally love the pleasure I give my girlfriend when I go down. It’s like Christmas morning every morning. But then again, I enjoy seeing my girlfriend happy. Going down on a woman makes sex 10 times better gentlemen. It’s sex so good you need a banana at the finish line. It’s sex so good her vagina slow claps upon orgasm. It’s sex so good your dog needs a cigarette after. It’s sex so good she puts down her phone. It’s sex so good I can stop doing this dumb joke format and drop the mic.
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