When you venture off from your parents’ house for the first time and move into your own place, it’s perfectly acceptable to have a couch you found in an alley, a lamp you stole from work and a bed that may or may not have been ‘acquired’ from the back of a La Quinta Inn. Hell, you might even be all fancy and shit and have a hand-me-down kitchen table. Overachiever.
You live in your new place free from rules and health codes until eventually, you start wanting nicer things – because let’s face it, that empty alcohol bottle collection is only cool until you’re 23 and women only like that Scarface poster for .02 seconds anyways. Eventually you scrape up enough cash to head to an Ikea and you buy that 70 dollar, 12-piece bedroom kit. You spend 16 years putting it all together from Swedish instructions and voila, you have a pretty decent place you’re not ashamed to take a lady caller to.
Fast forward 10 years and your Ikea crap has been replaced by quality furniture and you not only have a dinner table, but you have a breakfast nook too and the showin’ off towels that you’re not allowed to touch or dry your hands with. Your shitty apartment has transformed into a place where your nieces and nephews are free to play and won’t be in danger of catching dysentery. Score a win for adulting.
I went to Bed Bath and Beyond this weekend to pick up some non-essential stuff that I could have lived without ten years ago and my ancestors would have punched me in the dick for buying. (But seriously, Great Great Grandpa Falletti, you would have freaking loved this paper towel holder. Come to think of it, you would have loved paper towels. And paper. And towels. Shit dude, your life was hard.) I noticed a trend while I was at the good ol’ BBB, and that trend is that I will contemplate buying anything just because it will look cool on my counter.
I fully admit I have a few novelty appliances I have purchased over the years. I mean, who doesn’t want a popcorn maker on their counter that they’ll use once and then immediately go back to microwaving? Who doesn’t want a Margaritaville Margarita maker? Sober people that’s who. I have an old-fashioned hot dog maker with the little roller things you see at 7-11. I’ve used it 4 times in 7 years and every time I break it out I feel a sense of accomplishment because it took 34 minutes longer to cook a hotdog than it would if I had boiled some water. So when I was walking the aisles of the Bed Bath and Beyond and saw the Soda Stream, I forgot the fact that I don’t even drink soda that much. You can make soda….on your counter! You can make Red Bull! I can always have wings! How awesome would it be to be full of sugar all the time? Really awesome.
But my excitement didn’t stop there. There’s a contraption called the “Perfect Bacon Bowl” – 1. I had no fucking idea that I wasn’t cooking bacon perfectly and 2. I would eat rocks out of a bowl of bacon. It’s seriously win/win. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! Have you ever put a tea bag in your mug and thought, “Damn, that was messy.” ME NEITHER, BUT NOW I DO! At Bed Bath and Beyond they have the perfect tea bag holder and it’s only 9.99 and according to the box and the infomercial that was playing, I’ve been fucking up hot water for my entire life.
Bed Bath and Beyond gets me, it just does. It knows I will want to buy the shiniest of objects because they might make my life easier. And I want an easier life. I don’t want to buy ground beef and mix onions and cheese and peppers into it then mold it into a patty. I want the Pub Burger 6000 to help me. I don’t want to have to buy tortillas and cheese and simply put them together to make quesadillas. Fuck it, buy a quesadilla maker. Damn you Bed Bath and Beyond. Damn you.
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