An Open Letter To Rachel Canning - The Girl Who Sued Her Parents

An Open Letter To Rachel Canning - The Girl Who Sued Her Parents

Dear Rachel,

Sup. It’s Tim. Hope you’re doing well. I heard you moved back in with your parents. Cool beans. I’m going to be honest with you here, I hadn’t heard of your story until today. I was going through headlines because I didn’t have anything fun to write about except boobs and video games (New blog idea! “Are Boobs and Video Games the Best? The Answer May Surprise You.) when I came across this one: Rachel Canning: US teenager returns home after she tried to sue her parents for child support. At first I thought this was an Onion article so I thought I could use a good jumbly in my tumbly. I started reading and then started laughing like I normally would with an Onion article and then it hit me……. This wasn’t an Onion article. You really sued your parents.

Rachel, I too was 18 once, and it wasn’t that long ago believe it or not. Though, if you asked my girlfriend or any of my family or friends, they would probably tell you that despite my massive frame I am actually 12 years-old. But that’s beside the point. (New blog idea! “How a 12 year-old Landed a Decent Job. The Answer May Surprise You.) Anyways, 18 is a rough age, I get it. When I was 18 I was fresh out of basic training to be an 11B Infantryman with the US Army. I was stationed in Ft. Hood TX and I was just told that I was about to head to the Middle East. I was super far away from my pesky family and friends and we both know how cool that is, right? I remember thinking to myself, “Damn Tim you really are smart. You got away from all of the people that care about you so you can rock some long-sleeve camouflage in 140 degree heat! Suckers! I bet their faces are red.” Now granted, I volunteered to join the military but you get the gist of what I’m saying, right? You and I are on the same page. Two Amigos!

Anyway Rachel, my point was that it’s hard out there for a wealthy white girl nowadays am I right?! I mean you’re just 18! You’re only asking for $650 bucks a week in child support! You’re only asking for tuition to your expensive private catholic school and college tuition. Chump change in today’s economy! I mean, fuck your parents! According to you, they are abusing you! All they asked you to do is follow some reasonable household rules, keep a curfew, and do some chores. That is just horrible abuse! And seriously girl, fuck them for pushing you to work harder at a basketball scholarship. We both know that NCAA schools don’t have good basketball programs.

Rachel, I remember when I didn’t get a Nintendo 64 when I was young. It broke my little Cheeto stained heart. (New blog idea! Is Eating Too Many Cheetos a Thing? The Answer May Surprise You.”) I wanted to sue my parents so badly, but never could because I figured that they gave me electricity and water and clothes and food. I figured I could let them off the hook, ya know? You and I both know that they just didn’t understand the necessity of beating all of our friends like DEAN in Mario Kart. But you’re really doing it!

You’re an inspiration to all of us that had to save up stupid Communion money to pay for the stupid side mirror that we broke playing stupid street football. It’s not our fault we have cannons for arms and piss poor aim! Our parent’s should have paid for it! We should have sued them! It’s not our fault that our parents make money and we can only do minimum wage jobs! I mean who wants to work two or three jobs for money while in college? Poor people that’s who! If I could do it all again Rachel, I would sue the crap out of my parents. All of the stupid life lessons they taught me about responsibility, who needs them right? They haven’t helped me one bit in the real world.

Anyway, just wanted to say hey and hope you stay strong in this hard time. I hope this video cheers you up too!

Your Friend,


P.S. New Blog Idea! “Do I Really Think You’re a Piece of Shit? The Answer Won’t Surprise You At All.”

Leave a comment