How To Buy A Girlfriend For $1500 and 300 Sandwiches

How To Buy A Girlfriend For $1500 and 300 Sandwiches
Who wouldn't want to date the Sleepless in Austin guy? I mean he wears pirate shirts and serenades peacocks with weird looking guitars.

It’s hard out here for a single woman. The thirst is real!

While doing some research, my coworkers sent me two links this afternoon about the lengths two singletons are going to in order to find their matches. After which, my coworkers had to subdue me before I threw myself out the windows of our high rise.

First up, THIS f-ing guy. My god. Oh. My. God.

Let me just give you a quick synopsis. Some douchelord in Austin just got some new veneers and to his complete surprise is having trouble finding a girlfriend.  He’s willing to pay someone a $1,500 “finder’s fee” if they introduce him to a woman that ends in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.

  • For starters, he’s super racist and homophobic and really, really vocal about it. Like REALLY vocal.
  • He goes into great gynecological detail about why he doesn’t want to date a girl who has kids. It’s less about the kids and more about how her lady parts will look after.
  • His thoughts on going green are as follows: “The world will be here for as long as I live, and after I’m gone, whatever happens to this Earth is of no concern to me. I don’t have time for recycling. Let that be someone else’s job to sort out all of that stuff.”
  • He won’t date anyone that weighs more than 130 lbs, because he considers himself to be in very good shape. Maybe I’m wrong, but I haven’t seen any greek statues with potbellies, sir.
  • In addition to a beat up face, he dresses like a mufuggin PIRATE. Yet, in his very specifically outlined “guidelines” for a girlfriend, he says that she can’t dress “slutty” (oh yes, he says that) or “weird”. Actually, he wants her in a dress with thigh highs. Yep.
  • He thinks woman on dating sites are only there because they are ugly and have “issues.” So he decides to start looking for a girlfriend via creating a website and bribery…

I’m not going to spoil the rest of this article for you, but BE GONE, BOND VILLIAN FACE!

And, then, we’ve got this lady. Who’s boyfriend doesn’t want to listen to what she says. He just wants her to shut up and make him a sandwich. So she’s making 300 sandwiches with the promise of getting an engagement ring at the end. And because he doesn’t give two monkey wiener shakes about what she has to say, she has to blog her feelings as how they relate to the sandwiches.

I. Can’t. Even. Begin.

WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Meanwhile, I gave Tinder a try and the first guy I tried to set up a date with sent me two GIFs of someone “helicoptering” his junk.

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