FLESHlights and Frustration


Want to know what this is? Read this story.

This happened to my friend. I swear. 

My friend started casually dating a guy a few months ago.  He’s really cute, successful and dresses well.  As a matter of fact, she practically leapt over a room of people to introduce herself.  They had a very similar sense of humor and adventure that made their time together really enjoyable.  There weren’t any sort of plans for where this was going to go, but bottom line there was an attraction and it was fun.

Even with all this, something was missing.  The two of them could not jump over that hump and kiss already! (Just reread that and I’m keeping it, lol.)

The first date, well, that was her fault.  My friend gets all deer-in-the-headlights and nervous in these sorts of situations.  At the end of the date, he dropped her off at her apartment.  They were talking in the car, he unbuckled his seat belt, turned to her and she panicked. She shook his hand and practically clawed her way out.

The second time was his fault.  The two of them were standing in front of her apartment.  He asked her out again.  They scheduled the next date for a few days later…and then…he high-fived her and sprinted away like he was going to miss his tryouts with the NBA.

My friend was getting frustrated.

When he asked her out again, she knew what she had to do…movie night.  Everyone knows this is the shy way in, but it works!  She goes to his place, his roommate leaves and gives a very detailed timeline of when she will be back–all is good.  Finally, they’re able to lean arms against each other without projectile vomiting, and then he remembers some appointment and kicks her out!

My friend needs to take it slow, but holy mother of pearl!

The two of them meet up at a party.  They joke with another friend who was on a date with someone who didn’t make a move.  The two of them, or at least my friend, realizes the irony.  After the party, he asks if he can walk her out.  She’s thinking, “okay…this is it…he got the hint.”  While saying goodbye to her friends, a very clueless friend who lives nearby decides to leave at the same time and take the train together.  So, the three of them stand awkwardly outside the bar, before they even more awkwardly part; he leaves alone and so does she.

For obvious reasons and one not stated, my friend was beginning to think that maybe she had misread everything.  Maybe the guy who high-fived her was really trying to just be her friend?  Stranger things have happened.  So, she asked him.  He reassured her that he considered the two of them to be dating.  Well, okay then.

Even more confused, kinda peeved and now pretty guarded, my friend threw her hands up in the air (hey-oh, gotta let go) and backed off.

About a week later, my friend went out.  Her two friends folded a bit early and she was looking for something to do.  After asking around to see if her other friends were up to anything, he invited her over.  Curious, she took him up on the offer.  He even made a point to dress up for her.  Game on, right?  Right?!?

Let’s be clear: When a girl shows up at your apartment after 1 a.m. and is slightly tipsy, everyone knows what’s up.

But, it appears we are dealing with two very shy individuals.

He compliments her on her dress; they talk; they laugh; he suggests they move to the couch. (Yay!) They talk until 5 am.  Then, comes the line everyone’s been waiting for: “I’m getting tired. Do you want to stay here?” “I can stay here.” (So far, so good.) “Okay, I’ll go get you a blanket for the couch.” WHAT?!? Is this happening for real?!

So, my friend sleeps on his COUCH and he went to bed.  Let’s also be clear that my friend had been drinking water since midnight and was totally sober at this point.  Even before that, she was only slightly tipsy.

GRAND FINALE: The next morning, she wakes up—on the couch.  She turns over and notices something on the shelf of his coffee table. Looking like a mix between a stack of white solo cups and an industrial flashlight, it reminded her of something she had read about.  My friend picks up the object, pops off the top and, sure enough, stares her competition in the…errrrr…eye.  (Might I direct you back to the photo at the top of this post…) 

My friend and this guy continue to have unfinished business.


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  • Have your friend point me at the guy so I can PUNCH HIM IN THE FOREHEAD! She SLEPT ON THE COUCH? GAAAAAH!

    That is all.

  • Next time Ana, just tell him what you want.

  • In reply to kylehillman:

    It wasn't me!!

  • Yes, Ana, do that. And Kyle, make sure to put the fleshlight away in a secure place next time. ;-)

  • In reply to GeekToMe:

    and why was she looking in my coffee table anyways?

  • In reply to kylehillman:


  • I could of forgiven the shy part, I can be that way a bit. But hey if you aren't gonna share the bed with her dude, YOU take the couch...

  • In reply to bassgod98:

    Ding, ding, ding!

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    What do I win? hehehe

  • In reply to bassgod98:

    ok. couple things...

    your "friend" actually took a picture of it?? how wierd is that?? and please, please tell us that she broke up with this looser of a guy?

    now granted, I'm slighty slow when it comes to picking up on signals, but it sounds like all the signals were there and yet this guy still doesn't have a clue? Is your friend sure he doesn't play for the other team? that would explain a lot.

    but yeah, come over to my place after 1 am, and the "signal" is pretty obvious. and yet, even this guy has girlfriends...

    ***shakes head in dis-belief***

  • In reply to skywlkr3:

    She took the picture as evidence...who was going to believe this story?

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    good point.

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    The picture clearly shows he's just using it as a paperweight. No big deal. Better than a snow globe.

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    The question I have is: where's the "on" switch? :P

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    so...since work is a bit slow, my mind is wondering.

    Ana, how would you have reacted had this been your experience? and what would you have done/thought upon seeing the "competition" on his coffee table?

    just curious....

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    Maybe somebody bought it for him as a gag-gift (pun intended)

    & you should just make the first move...

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    Given the level of cluelessness involved with this guy, I wouldn't be surprised if he thought the Fleshlight was just a really expensive flashlight that doesn't work. They may need some kind of Middle School-esque intervention to get anything to happen. Truth or dare, anyone?

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    At some point couldn't one of them simply use their grown-up words to ask the other one for a kiss? Did it really need to be this hard? How can they be dating if there hasn't even been a kiss? That would mean I'm dating a fair number of people, which while it sounds good, just ain't accurate.

    p.s. if they break up, I've got a list of potential holiday messages for them on my blog - http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/divorced-dad-tells-all/

  • In reply to mattyk01:

    I would totally agree with you on the "how could they possibly be dating." She thought she might have misunderstood everything and so she asked him. He TOLD her that he considered them to be dating.

    And, no, they are no longer dating...a girl can only put up with so much.

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