Substituting for Scrooge: A winter storm. Wait, what?

Dear {{Insert Weather Website}},

Stop trying to make barometric pressure and precipitation seem more awesome by completely sensationalizing your forecast.  Your description of a weather pattern reads like the script from “Everyone Dies On Christmas: Weather’s Revenge.”  I’m half expecting to log on tomorrow and see an animated dramatization of Santa and his sleigh being whipped around in the depths of a storm only to be violently thrown to the ground in a blaze of fire, while the movie voice guy narrates “Chance of snow, some wind expected.”

This is an actual post:


Actual screen shot from Accuweather’s homepage yesterday

Really?  “A cross country storm will play the part of Scrooge”, weatherman?

I’m actually posting late today, because your hell and brimstone approach freaked my driver out and we left for Iowa at the first break of dawn!  I hardly slept for thinking I was going to be thrown into the river by Old St. Nick himself!  Turns out, it just rained a bit….a BIT!!!  I mean, it was cold and windy, but it’s December in the Midwest.  Why are you acting all surprised?

I’m sure it was really hard being the president of the El Nino fan club in high school and mastering the names of cloud formations probably didn’t get you a ton of tail in college.  This, however, is no excuse for trying to scare the pants off of middle aged dads and old ladies who need filler conversation at the bridge table!  It is weather, not the next Tomb Raider.

I appreciate your telling me the temperature and whether (puns are fun!) to expect rain or snow.  I absolutely check out the 10-day forecast when I’m planning to travel or want to wear something scandalous on a Friday.  You’re a good tool!  But, please…let’s take the scare tactics down a notch.  What sort of real action could I take if I find out there’s a storm coming?  If I look out my window and the horseman of the Apocalypse are shooting fire at children, I stay inside for the day.

The fact that your motives confuse me and I’m all conflicted about my feelings seems to just turn me on.  You bet I’ll be back for more.



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