Back in the day, Halloween candy seemed to fall into two distinct categories: chocolate and other stuff. The chocolate stuff would range from the highly coveted snicker bars to the mostly disgusting Mound bars that would stay in your stash until all the chocolate was gone and you became desperate for your next chocolately fix. The disgusting candy usually fell into the other pile. Alongside pixie sticks, tootsie-roll pops and nerds, you would get some of those disgusting peanut butter things or some hard candy that looked like leftovers saved by Grandma from last Christmas. For the most part, though, you got good candy. You got mini versions of the real candy bars you loved, not just plain disgusting Halloween candy.
Some may call it progress, but times have changed. Instead of the reliable old treats that everyone loved, companies are desperately trying to claw ahead of each other in the candy wars by releasing “trendy” new flavors for a limited time. Unfortunately for kids across the nation, many of these trendy treats that come in cute themed bags are just plain disgusting. While the packaging is cute and festive, the treats lurking in the cute wrappers are a cruel trick to play on kids that come hopefully to your door, optimistic that you will put something good in there bag.
So, adults everywhere, here are the top 8 most disgusting Halloween treats for 2014. Do those poor kids a favor, and avoid these disgusting halloween candy monstrosities. Remember, when in doubt, just buy Snickers. The kids will appreciate it.
8. Halloween Oreos: They might not taste any different, but with orange filling these cookies are definitely festive. The best thing you can say about the Halloween oreos is at least they didn’t make up some stupid “trendy” knockoff flavor. The worst thing you could probably say is: “How many of these does it take to create orange poop?” Another downside to these: they don’t travel well in trick or treat bags. Can you imagine the disappointment on that cute little pumpkin’s face when they open these cookies to find them smashed to bright, fluorescent orange pieces?
7. Candy Corn Flavored M&M’s: The first entry in this trend, you can purchase M&M’s that are candy corn flavored. I am not sure on why buying candy that is flavored to taste like different candy is a thing, but apparently it is. At least they won’t melt in your hand like traditional candy corn? I’m having trouble picturing any kid that would actually enjoy these. Do the kiddos a favor, and just buy the variety pack with plain, peanut and peanut butter M&Ms. Then, if they don’t like the flavor they get they can at least trade it with another kid for something they like.
6. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars: Here is another bizarre mash-up. Why make a candy bar taste like a candy apple? I guess it’s probably less messy to eat, but I am really not “getting” this concept. Regular Milky Way bars are good, even if they will always been second tier compared to snickers. But why such a confusing flavor? Is the apple in its name supposed to trick people into thinking it’s healthy? Do kids these days even know what candy apples are? Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?
5. Starburst Candy Corn: Instead of tasting like candy corn, this is traditional starburst just shaped like candy corn. Some of the pieces look like normal candy corn, but the strawberry looks like pink candy corn. I guess it’s a good thing if you are obsessed with the color pink, but to me they just look icky. For kids, it seems like this would just be confusing. They are expecting waxy, yet sugary candy corn. Instead it’s a Starburst. How do you expect them to concentrate in school after dealing with something like that?
4. Pumpkin Spice Hershey Kisses: Along with the candy corn obsession, there also seems to be a pumpkin spice obsession lately. I blame this one on Starbucks, but I can understand the pumpkin coffee a bit more than I can understand pumpkin flavored chocolate. I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.
3. Cadbury Screme Eggs: It looks like the bunnies over at Cadbury have gotten sick of waiting for Easter to roll around each year. Now, you can purchase Halloween-themed screme eggs as well. The package has a Halloween theme, with a green splatter on purple and black packaging. While the egg itself may taste the same as traditional Cadbury’s, the little bunnies went overboard in making the inside disgusting looking. Instead of the egg looking center, the center is white and green. While I enjoy the traditional eggs, this one seems a bit gross to me as well. This one kids might be ok with, if they like gross things. But, then you have the issue of the foil wrapper. You’re better off buying something factory sealed that the parent’s won’t toss on sight.
2. Candy Corn Hershey Bars: If the flavored M&Ms didn’t satisfy your craving for candy corn and you’re not ready to break down and buy the real thing, you can give these a try. These “chocolate” bars are made from what is described as candy corn crème with bits of candy corn mixed in. I haven’t been brave enough to try this one myself, but from the reviews I have read, it appears they have a slight vanilla taste to it, but it is overwhelmingly flavored like candy corn, so it does not taste chocolately at all. It’s like they made a crème-based candy corn candy bar, but decided just the crème wasn’t enough so they shoved all the candy corn flavor they possibly could into it. This one seems to be a cruel trick to play on kids. They see Hershey’s and they get excited. White package probably means cookie ‘n crème, which isn’t as good as regular chocolate but its ok. Then they bite into it and their mouth is filled with the overpowering taste of candy corn. That poor kid has just been scarred for life.
1. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies: Does any word in that name actually appeal to you? It’s like the people at the Brach’s corporate headquarters got together and purposely tried to create the most disgusting “candy” ever. The only saving grace of normal candy corn is the sugary texture you get in your mouth when eating them. In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea? The only positive about these is that you will probably be able to buy them by the cartful at Target after Halloween when they are marked down to like $.12 a bag. But, even then you won’t want to eat them. If you want to be really mean, you could try to pass them off as a “treat” for school lunches, but do you really want to pay the therapy bills for it later?