The White Sox reality show "The Club" is all kinds of awesome

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So apparently I have MLB Network.  I didn't know this.  But this means that every week, I can watch the MLB Reality TV show "The Club", an 'in-depth' look at the White Sox' inner-workings.  Too bad the next airing of the first episode isn't till Friday.  I. Am. So. Recording. This.

And it's not just because I'm a White Sox fan, or because I'm desperate
for new material (how many trade columns can one man write?  I beg to
know the answer), it's because this show--if the
trailer
is any indication--is an unintentional comedy home run.  A
gem.  A once in a lifetime experience.

I have long wondered how
the humorless Kenny Williams, the firebrand Ozzie Guillen, and the
curmudgeonly Jerry Reinsdorf interact, and now I have my answer...

Awkwardly.

Ozzie
says things that are simultaneously crazy and in jest, Kenny takes
these comments fairly seriously, and Jerry struggles to keep up.  Good
God, this could be epic.

Some highlights from the trailer.

Kenny
Williams' Motivational Tactics

Kenny paces through the
locker room filled with silent players, and belabors the concepts of
being dedicated to winning, and the importance of focus.  He takes it a
step up and threatens to cut, or trade anyone whose focus is on anything
besides baseball.  Gavin Floyd and Jake Peavy look back blankly at
Kenny, knowing that they will never see their families again.

Cut
to overly serious image of Reinsdorf, Guillen, and Williams with their
arms around each other, staring intensely into camera

Kenny
Williams' Horrifying Admissions

In his typically slow and
measured speech, Kenny makes an admission to Ozzie

"I wish I
had....gotten you more guys who could....get on base."

Cut again
to overly serious image of Reinsdorf, Guillen, and Williams with
their arms around each other, staring intensely into camera

Wha-Wha- WHAAATTT?!??!?!  Kenny knew he was assembling yet another
team of creaky, slow power hitters who swing at everything!?!?  I think I
prefer the notion that he was blissfully unaware of this!  That he
really believed Juan Pierre was still 27, and that batting average is
the most important hitting statistic.  You mean that he was going over
the lineup, saw Juan Pierre, Alexei Ramirez, A.J. Pierzynski, and
thought "Hmmm, they might not have 90 walks in between them...oh well,
whatevs," and just kept going about his day?!?!  What.  The.  Deuce!

Ozzie
Guillen - Unneccessary

Ozzie, sitting in his office, his
hair in greasy-curly glory, takes the time to intimate something fairly
unsettling

"I would be the first guy to die for this team.  It
wouldn't be Jerry, it wouldn't be Kenny to die.  It would be me."

Cut
once again to overly serious image of Reinsdorf, Guillen, and Williams
with
their arms around each other, staring intensely into camera


Uhh....wha...why
would that be necessary, Ozzie?  Does he foresee some sort of Juan
Marichal-situation where a deranged opposing player charges the mound
wielding a bat after a knock-kneed Daniel Hudson accidentally throws a
94-mph fastball into his groin, forcing Ozzie to have to heroically jump
out and down him with two shots to the neck from the starter pistol he
keeps hidden in his luxurious curls for every game?  Does Freddy Garcia
need a heart transplant?  Is the team planning a "First 10,000 fans get a
piece of Ozzie's skin" day?  Why are lives at stake in the AL Central
of all places?

 
Bud Selig and Jerry Reinsdorf share an
old-man breakfast

Nothing really special here.  Two old and
frumpy guys eating their breakfast and muttering to each other. 
Nevertheless, I was riveted.

And finally, Sergio Santos is
emotionally exploited

A clearly emotionally on edge and
stressed out Sergio Santos pours out admissions about his family and
their expectations for him, as Kenny, Ozzie, and Don Cooper sit
listening to him, clearly suppressing grins.  Nonchalantly, Kenny
reveals that Sergio has made the team.  Santos is clearly blindsided,
can barely withhold tears, as Ozzie and Kenny giggle, and Don Cooper
creepily rubs Sergio on his back. 

Sergio's earnest emotions
are certainly charming, but Ozzie and Kenny seem to have decided to
have fun with probably the most important moment of his life.  Bizarre
to watch.  I got promoted at my job last month....this is not how it
went.

All in all, this was a majestic glimpse of television;
in the sense that it will be a tremendously entertaining watch, not that
it will make the organization look good or functional.  Heavens no.  It
will open up Kenny and Ozzie to endless mockery from enemies, and even
fans of the Sox.  Everyone might grow to like Sergio Santos though.

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