Jake Peavy pitches tonight, fresh off demolishing the Kansas City Royals, a franchise of such offensive ineptitude that their last 30-HR guy was Jermaine Dye. Think, think about how long ago that had to be. Still, one can at least hold out a modicum of hope that Jake, the Jakester, J-Pizzy, Jake and the Fat Man, can build on the success of his last start and shut down a Toronto team that leads the league in home runs.
And he'll have to because the offense has been terrible and the
bullpen has Randy Williams in it. And the offense has been terrible.
Additionally, the offense has been terrible. Another factor in this
game will be the Sox' struggling offense. One should keep in mind that
the offense has been bad. Let's not forget how the offense has
struggled. Por que no los hombres con los calcetines blancos no golpe
Perhaps we can make a rule that Carlos
Quentin is no longer allowed to swing at the first pitch, Juan Pierre
may not try to bunt for base hits with runners on and 2 outs, and I can
not drink coffee on the weekends, especially when I go on the radio.
(Listen to it here).
gets back into the lineup tonight. Given that he leads the team in
strikeouts but is tied for third in walks, hopefully he'll avoid
swinging for the rest of May. I don't know what's wrong with him,
maybe he should change his stance, maybe he should bunt, maybe he
should shave his head and convert to Kabbala. I don't know which, but
he should probably try all of these things in Charlotte. Whatever,
let's just keep shoving the youngster and his goofy haircut out there
and remind him that we're no longer just disappointed that he's not the
Gordon Beckham we came to know, now we're disappointed that he's not
Starlin Castro. Now, go figure out how to hit a breaking ball, kid!
was going to embed a video of the Hindenberg disaster as a huge,
flaming metaphor for Beckham's season so far, but my girlfriend has
suggested that mocking actual human casualties is pretty inappropriate,
even for a White Sox fan (We're known for beating Cubs fans into
hospital visits during crosstown games, our reputation is earned).
Even watching that Hindenberg video is depressing, the broadcast guy is
weeping and losing his mind because he's watching unspeakable human
tragedy instead of being fake, plastic human cutout like Neil Cavuto.
So, let's instead go with this:
(Imagine the creepy bass singer's voice for this spoken word breakdown)
Gordon, I'm here for you
All those times of night when you just hurt me
And just swing after that fastball out of the zone
Baby I knew about it, I just didn't care
You just don't understand how much money we have invested in you, do you?
I'm here for you
I'm not out to go out and trade for Mark Grudzielanek
Just like I should do, but that's alright
Hey, I love you anyway
And I'm still gonna be here for you till we can dump your contract, Gordy
Right now, I'm just in so much pain, Gordon
Coz your swing looks like a bear that's been shot in the face
Will you? just hit the ball to the opposite field
Yes Gordy, the bases are empty
My heart hurts Gordon
Yes I feel pain too
This time instead just come to the plate
And baby please, WHAT THE DUECE ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE!?!? YOU LOOK LIKE ELMER FUDD CROSSED WITH SHAWN ABNER, FOR CRISSAKES WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!?!?!?!?