The True Story of how "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" Really Went Down

The True Story of how "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" Really Went Down

Let me get this straight.

You show up at my house, at night, with no warning. It’s snowing like crazy outside so you’re tracking in slush and dripping all over my entryway. And you’re all smiling. Big smiles. But they're those somewhat off-smiles that tell me you’re not just here to spread Christmas cheer.

And then, from out of nowhere, you start singing that you wish me a Merry Christmas? I mean, could I have had some kind of warning that you were all about to start singing at the top of your lungs? Scared the heck out of me, not to mention what it did to our cat. He’s probably hiding upstairs right now in the hallway closet.

Oh, and could you keep it down? My kids are sleeping because… well, like you said…. it’s almost Christmas! So, they’re in bed. My wife and I told them they had to get to sleep because Santa was coming. When, in reality, we just needed a break. It’s been a long few weeks getting ready for the holidays. We’ve been to multiple work and family parties. In fact, we were just at one tonight because… can you dig this?... it’s Christmas Eve! And you’re standing in my entryway singing loud enough to scare a cat and wake my kids.

Wait, what’s that? You want what?!

Figgy pudding?

Are you kidding me?

First of all, what exactly is figgy pudding?

And why would anyone eat it?

We’ve got Snack Packs. And maybe some Ho-Hos. But no figgy pudding.

But, then again, why am I offering you anything?! You barged in here, started singing, and now are demanding food? And telling me to bring it out to you? What, you’re too good to walk a few extra feet?

Um, how about no?

Ok, now you’re telling me you wish me a Merry Christmas again? What game are you playing here? Making demands then trying to butter me up?

Wait, now what? You won’t leave until I bring you the pudding?!

So now we’ve moved on to threats, is that it? That's the kind of game we're gonna play here?

Well, how about if instead of bringing the figgy pudding, I call the cops. Yep, the police. I’ll let them know you’ve forced your way into my house and are demanding I feed you. There has got to be some kind of ordinance about that. Hopefully it’s at least a misdemeanor.

Ok, now you’re being nice again, wishing “Good tidings” to me and my relatives?

So you’re wishing me and my family blessings and other good stuff, right?

After demanding food.

And threatening to not leave until I brought it to you.

Well, what do you say that instead, you all first stop singing? Then you take these towels and wipe up the mess you made. Then you leave and don’t ever come back.

Oh, and just one other thing.

If you do go to any other houses tonight, don’t ask for figgy pudding.

Snack Packs are all the rage right now.




Contact me at or @jameswarda. Join my Facebook page. And listen to my podcast. (Wow, I'm so demanding, aren't I?)

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