Each month we have what we call a "blogapalooza" hour. We are given a subject and have a short time to write about it. Our subject tonight is "what have you learned or experienced since you woke up this morning?" It's ironic that this was the subject as today I happened to learn a lot about myself. I try to learn something new everyday, but lately as I've been tested repeatedly with health issues, I've learned more than I could imagine.
Today I woke up having come off my first day of driving since a bilateral mastectomy just over two weeks ago. As a completely type A person it is not healthy for me to me idle. I can't just sit and watch TV. I could never work in an office. I have to be on the go or doing something different or challenging at any moment.
Since December 2 I have either been in the house or in the hospital. This past Monday night I hit a low. I was as depressed as a person could be with full on weeping hysterics. I had had it. I was sick and tired of being sick. I wanted my life back. I was tired of surgeries. Tired from chemotherapy. Sick of being bald. Sick of having to sleep upright in bed every night, propped up by pillows. Tired of no hot bubble baths. Just plain tired.
For those two weeks I could barely move and had way too much time to think. As each day passed I thought about silver linings to my journey, even wrote about them. But by Monday night I'd had it. Enough was enough. I had to get the hell out of this house and be me again.
Yesterday I woke up and decided to drive myself to an appointment. I was not on pain killers and I don't like relying on others. So, I did it. I drove. And it felt amazing. And I didn't come home for eight hours. I did too much and paid for it last night with a sore and achy body but my heart was happy. What a difference a day makes, huh?
Today when I awoke I felt like I haven't felt in six months since this odyssey began. I got up early. I took a shower and got dressed. I got tired and I thought well, I should rest a bit. So I did, took a little cat nap and then feeling refreshed, I went to lunch. I went with my assistant that works for me and I learned how fantastic it felt to be out, to be social, to be me.
Afterwards I sat in my car for a minute and thought about where I should go next. I reminded myself how sore I was last night. I decided that heading home would be best. I came home and despite having been tired of being here, today it was by choice that I came home. It wasn't because I had no choice and that felt completely different.
Today I learned that the only way I can thrive and survive is to never let things get me down. I must keep a positive attitude; I have to keep busy and constantly experience things to be happy and stay happy. I learned that a little thing like going out to lunch can be a huge thing when you've been unable to do anything.
I love life and I love the living. Today is the first day I felt that the worst is behind me. I learned that my patience and determination have paid off. I have endured a lot.
Tomorrow I will learn more about myself as I do everyday. What is life without the lessons? One of my favorite movie lines ever was in The Natural with Glenn Close and Robert Redford. I've used the quote before but it has never held more true for me than now.
"I believe we have two lives. The one we learn with, and the one we live with after that".
Amen to that.
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