Yesterday I hit a low for me. A discussion regarding feminism was going on and I disagreed with some of it. Typically I am non confrontational however, yesterday I was just a bonafide bitch. I said things that any other time I would have slapped my own self for. After awhile I started to feel horrible. I apologized to the person. This was all transpiring over the internet. Had it been in person, I probably would have said nothing. I'm like that.
Since the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary I have been in some very strange moods. Over the whole weekend I was nothing but sad. I sat back and watched a whole ugly debate about gun control go on on my facebook wall and I just sat back and said nothing. I had made a comment about Mary Lanza owning numerous guns and that she shouldn't have had them in her house, knowing she had a mentally ill child. I stand by that. It sparked rage. I went from sad to angry.
Having not been able to shake the angriness I allowed myself to get into the debate yesterday. I thought, "who the hell am I?" And I realized that the girl (woman) who has always tried to see the world through very rose colored glasses was slipping away. The person I have always been, the one to look for the best in everyone, the one who wants to live life like a John Lennon song was disappearing. And I'm more sad now than ever, realizing that that world just doesn't exist.
In 1970 when I was in 8th grade, I remember clearly one of the most defining moments of my life. It was the day I realized that people die, that I was going to die someday. That my parents were as well. I remember the horrible, sick feeling I had that it would happen. Prior to that, living in my world of everything rosy, things like that didn't happen. For weeks I couldn't shake the sick feeling. And that was one of the first times I realized that ugly things happen. I had shaded and hidden myself in a child's world of perhaps even an alternate reality where nothing bad happens.
I've spent most of my life living that way. I simply don't want to believe in bad things. I want to see the good in people; I almost turn my back on tragedy as I don't want to believe it happens.
Yes, certain events have rocked my world. But through them all I have still clung to the belief that there is good in people and that someday all the madness will end. That John Lennon was really onto something when he wrote "Imagine" and that somehow that's the world I would live in someday.
But then on Friday, 26 people were killed, 20 of them children. Beautiful little souls that never got a real chance to live. No growing up for them, no first best friend, no first love, first date, first dance, first anything. No joy for their parents maybe ever again. Just heartache, questions and sadness. And my dream of a place where people could live and be happy and safe and joyful ended.
Even after 9/11 I still had hope. Can't say why, I don't know. That should have shattered me to the core forever but the way that Americans stood together, unified continued to keep me believing. But this, this cold sick event which led a madman to point the barrel of a gun at small children and kill them with no regard did the trick. Followed by arguments about gun control, mental illness and President bashing, etc has made it that much worse.
So, I have been contemplating giving in to the idea that things will never get better or whether or not I should continue to believe in my heart of hearts that somehow, someday the world as I have wished to see it, will exist. I must decide if it's time to take off the glasses.
Am I ready to see the world for what it really is? Time will tell.