A few years back I was watching an interview with Cher as she was being asked what she enjoyed most about aging. At that time her mouth still moved and she replied "Are you kidding? Aging sucks! Nothing!". I was under 50 then and still hadn't really started to feel the effects of what she truly meant. Lately, I do. And I agree, it sucks.
I haven't gone to any extremes about the process yet and wonder if I will decide later that I need to. I want desperately to age gracefully but how do you do that?
I have always been a somewhat vain person only in so far as I care deeply about the way I look and if I present myself in an age appropriate way. I don't wear belly tops, don't have a belly button ring, don't wear jeans that hint at the top of my private parts. I don't wear skin tight tops even though at the age of 40 I suddenly grew quite a set of tata's without plastic surgery. Really, I did. Swear. But I don't want to look like I am trying to look 25 because I simply am not.
When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror I wonder where that young girl that I once was went. The one that had smooth skin and no cellulite. The one that had shiny black hair that didn't come out of a bottle. The one that could run the 100 yard dash in record time without heaving for air.
I do things like pull up the sides of my cheeks to see if that girl is still in there somewhere. I see her but then I realize for it to stay that way I have to go under a knife and may come out looking like Joan Rivers. I exercise regularly now but there are my knees that fight me at every step. I take vitamins but still wake up with leg cramps at night reminding me that I am no longer that girl.
With two daughters that are 23 and 21 respectively, they have alot of male friends and boyfriends. And yes, I feel like a pervert or a pedophile when I look at them with the same set of eyes that I had at their age. Oh, those young muscles. Those tight little butts. But I digress. Would I ever want any of those young studs to see the ass that I am close to being able to sit on while I am still standing??
I listen to the music that my girls do. Not the rap but some of the other. When I start dancing in the house I realize what a fool I must look like but my brain still wants to dance. When we go to weddings or other events where there is dancing I want to get out on the dance floor and let 'er rip. But I don't want to be hauled off in a straight jacket as it appears that mom has gone mad.
There is a line in the movie "The Natural" that I have always felt was true. "We have two lives: the one we learn with and the one we live with after that". It rings in my head as I wish that I were young again but then I wouldn't have the knowledge that I do now. Would I want to be that young girl that believed every lie that I heard from guys trying to get in my pants? Would I want to be the girl that didn't understand why my parents did so many things that pissed me off - only to see myself doing the same things myself now? And understanding why?
Probably not. So I guess that with the aging that does suck we do have a much better understanding of life. And that doesn't suck. Knowledge is power. It is the power that allows us to make more rational decisions. The power that allows us to know that we have physical limitations whether we like it or not. And on and on.
So, I guess that I will have to learn to accept the things I cannot change. I will try to keep my brain from telling my body it can do things it can't. And I will stop looking at young men and wish they were looking back. Actually, scratch that last one.
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