Confessions of a Binge Eater

Confessions of a Binge Eater

Monday

Orange Theory Fitness at 7 o'clock in the morning
A cocktail that includes a shot of apple cider vinegar, 1/3 cup of coconut water, and 1/2 cup Perrier  for breakfast
A handful of raw cashews and a granny smith apple for a snack
A Salmon bowl from Pret for lunch (2 ounces of grilled salmon, 1/4 cup cooked quinoa, 1/4 cup of shelled edamame, and a quarter of a lemon
Full days work (at a mundane job that steals my soul in my nightmare and my youth and creativity in reality)
El train ride home (a blissful combination of being thrust into the personal space of strangers, becoming a circus level acrobat having to balance staying upright and stationary on a moving swaying train while holding all your bags and trying not to further invade anyone's personal space, all while not giving in to the desire to run away from the faint smells of urine, pleas for spare change, and stares from the creepy guy that may or may not have followed you for the last 7 stops)
Home
Mailbox full of bills
Beautiful Condo filled with exquisite furnishings, art, and lonliness
Roll up
Calm
Dinner (small garden salad, bag of double stuffed Oreos, liter of water)
Fail

I say I'm a closet binge eater and you probably start picturing someone severely overweight that doesn't workout  and literally hides in the closet devouring whole cakes and entire pizzas. Right? Right. Part of that is right. Binge eaters often do consume three to four times the amount of junk food they'd normally consume when not on a binge. I would further speculate that you envision this person to be a quiet depressive. Antisocial. Shy even. Someone easy to overlook in life. And I'm sure this is true for some.

But then there are the me's of the world.
I've photographed some of the most famous people in the world.
I've won some big Poetry slams.
I've published some pretty dope articles.
I'm the least shy person you'll ever meet. Put me in a room with anyone, and despite how I may be feeling internally, externally I will shine.
My confidence on what I can do in the corporate world borders narcissism.
Ok, it probably is narcissism.
And I'm cute.
I hate my body, but I think my face is perfect.

I am not the overweight girl hiding in the closet eating tubs of ice-cream because she has no friends. I am the outwardly over-confident, health fanatic that can't discipline herself enough to lose this fat ass belly. The woman that knows which ingredients are bad and which are healthy. The woman who has studied how the body and brain work in conjunction with one another. The girl who absolutely knows what she should and shouldn't eat so she eats totally healthy in front of others and keeps up a very healthy workout regimen. But sometimes. On some weekends. Her only outing is to Whole foods to buy a pack of those delicious chocolate covered pretzels and lemon cookies and honey pecan brownies. The girl that will eat 100+ grams of sugar in a day, with the full knowledge of what it's doing to her body. The woman that will live an entire weekend in that state of extremism.

Aneroxia 
an·o·rex·i·a
An emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

Bulimia
bu·lim·i·a
An eating disorder in which a large quantity of food is consumed in a short period of time, often followed by feelings of guilt or shame followed by depression and self-induced vomiting, purging, or fasting.

img_0267Binge Eating
The consumption of large quantities of food in a short period of time, typically as part of an eating disorder.

A typical weekend of binge eating is followed by a few days of the opposite extreme of extra clean eating or a liquid diet. Most people with "eating disorders" d0n't have eating disorders at all. We self-soothe our feelings of lack of control in our lives by taking a dangerous level of control over rewarding and punishing the only pleasure center we are in tune with. The thing about binge eaters like myself is we are highly knowledgeable about the relationship between the body and food. This gives us a deluded sense of control and manipulates our brains into believing that we don't actually have a problem because we are equipped with the knowledge on how to solve it. Even though we have yet to solve it. This also makes it difficult to spot a binge eater.

Payday Friday

Orange Theory Fitness at 7 o'clock in the morning
A cocktail that includes a shot of apple cider vinegar, 1/3 cup of coconut water, and 1/2 cup Perrier  for breakfast
2 cups of fresh fruit (cause I'm happy. I feel in charge of my life. I feel as valued as those in positions I want to be in. I feel hopeful that I can attain the life I want)
A Salmon bowl from Pret for lunch (2 ounces of grilled salmon, 1/4 cup cooked quinoa, 1/4 cup of shelled edamame, and a quarter of a lemon
Full days work (at a mundane job that steals my soul in my nightmare and my youth and creativity in reality)
El train ride home (I'm less annoyed by the smelly, invasive balancing act that is my commute home because I know I don't have to do this for at least 2 days)
Home
I don't check the mail on Fridays. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life on a Friday.
Beautiful Condo filled with exquisite furnishings, art, and lonliness
Roll up
Calm
Dinner (a piece of fruit and some water or something. I am disciplined on payday Fridays because I'm excited about all the possibilities of Saturday that aren't possible when I'm broke and feeling out of control)
Success 

My binge eating is based on my mood.
Happy is healthy
Depressed is dangerously controlling

Be it Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating, Cutting, Sexual Promiscuity they are all the by-product of depression. Most depressives are highly functional and manipulative. You know what we want you to know.

We are good at hiding our truths.

Healing

The Glow

The Glow

1.) The first step is the most cliche' step of all time - Admit you have a problem.
And the problem is not your eating disorder, cutting yourself, using sex to fill you up, or drinking or smoking your days away. That is not the problem that needs addressing. Admit you are depressed. Lonely. Unhappy. Heartbroken. Resentful. Angry. Admit that you are spiritually broken.

2.) Recognize your triggers. YOU WILL RELAPSE. So recognizing the triggers keeps the relapses (that are a normal part of healing) from feeling like they are beyond your control.

3.) Be Proactive. As Mark Manson, the author of The subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck says: "Problems are an inevitable part of life. You have to choose which problems you're willing to deal with." Proactively choose your problems. For me, it's a constant choice between the problem of feeling no gratification versus having the instant gratification that comes from not disciplining myself but having the guilt, the fat, and the depression that comes along with that.

4.) Make a plan. Depression can be boiled down to simply feeling as though we are living an unsolvable equation. Once you admit your problem, acknowledge your triggers, and make it a priority to be present in your choice to give in to your disorder/by-product, you need a plan of action to keep you on the right path. For me, it's buying all my snacks and meals and portioning them out ahead of time (I get rid of all trigger foods. Usually in a binge. Then it's Cold turkey). I put pictures of outfits I want to fit in on my fridge. I put notes and inspirational post-its around my condo. I force myself to work on my Dream (dream job, dream life, whatever passion ignites your life) no matter how I feel. This keeps me from feeling like I have no control and that keeps me from binge eating. Sometimes.

5.) Always remember that you can start over.

Saturday between Paydays

Sometimes all the proactivity, meditations and mantras don't work. Sometimes you are tired from spending 40+ hours working your ass off at a thankless job that doesn't realize how lucky they are to have you. And you're sick of being single. And everybody around you is getting married and having babies. And your body is betraying you by mimicking signs of menopause when you haven't even had any children. And everyone thinks you don't want children, but the truth of the matter is you spent so much of your life believing that you'd be rewarded for being the good girl that waited. Waited for the fairytale. And now you're almost 40 and single. And lonely. And celibate. And not in the damn mood to further deprive yourself by eating lettuce and carrots for dinner so...

Breakfast - 2 boxes of Entenmann's donuts
Lunch - Grilled cheese and french fries
Lots of water in-between to alleviate the conscious feelings of guilt
F*ck the gym today
Bag of Welch's fruit snacks
Dinner - An entire veggie pizza
Sadness
Fail

There will be those days. For a binge eater, those will be entire weekends, weeks, or even months. But remember the 5th step.

If my body forgives me and doesn't quit on me, this is what my Monday will look like:

Orange Theory Fitness at 7 o'clock in the morning
A cocktail that includes a shot of apple cider vinegar, 1/3 cup of coconut water, and 1/2 cup Perrier  for breakfast
A Salmon bowl from Pret for lunch (2 ounces of grilled salmon, 1/4 cup cooked quinoa, 1/4 cup of shelled edamame, and a quarter of a lemon
Full days work (at a job that I realize is not my passion, but is serving a purpose)
El train ride home (a commute that millions of people survive daily that can be used to build compassion and gratitude)
Home
Mailbox full of bills (that I will incorporate into my budget planning)
Beautiful Condo filled with exquisite furnishings, art, and aloneness (that I will use to become a better future wife, mother, woman, and entrepreneur)
Roll up
Calm
Dinner (Water for purity. Refreshing fruit. Meditation)
Progress

 

Comments

Leave a comment
  • Incredible post. Shatteringly honest.

    I hope you know just how many people this speaks to, Writer Girl Ray.

  • fb_avatar

    I can totally relate to your post. Try being newly 63 years and traveled down this road you described so well. In the last few years, I've finally come to terms with my eating disorder of overeating, depression and with this came overindulging in shopping. I am better with dealing with my issues and decided to become healthy; mentally and physically. Thank you for your expression of truth.

Leave a comment