According to the Vatican, Pope Francis, in his strongest language since condemning cardinals for nurturing a Vatican-centric view, has issued a statement about the newest culinary addition to Chicago's Kuma’s Corner menu. ‘The Ghost,” according to owner Michael Caine, is a lamb/beef burger topped with a red wine reduction and a Communion wafer ('not blessed, ya' assholes') inspired by the Swedish band Ghost B.C. Needless to say, the name has raised the hackles of some Catholics (and those people who call themselves Catholics even though they no longer go to church).
But Pope Francis, in his most candid statement since criticizing church leaders for being “Narcissuses,” defended “The Ghost.” Interviewed wearing a cilice and eating berries, the Pontiff was characteristically frank,
I have not tried ‘The Ghost’ but I commend this Kuma’s Corner for pushing traditional boundaries, thinking outside the box (or bun, as it were), bucking the stagnated comestible wisdom of what a burger can be. Culinary arts professionals have become torpid, been gratified and sickeningly excited by the traditional burger. This kind of thinking eats away at the very core of the victual arts.
When asked if he would eat at Kuma’s Corner, the Pope shook his head, “From what I hear, this is a place where Chicago’s hipsters come together, compare tattoos and body piercings, eat ridiculously expensive burgers and smoke hand-rolled cigarettes. This is not the place for me. My place is here, ripping the eight cardinals new ones."
The Pope, weary from berating the cardinals, took time to offer a few suggestions for Kuma’s Corner chefs:
1. The John Boehner – a delightful mix of ground mutton, Spam, and heirloom greens served with Miracle Whip.
2. The Tea Party ‘30’ - an appetizing mix of pork shoulder and Rooibos tea, poached to perfection in a silk bag, and suspended over a gluten-free bun.
3. The Rahm-ney – an exotic mix of rare dingo and donkey meat, topped with a spicy red sauce, smothered in an opaque cheese from Holland.
Asked if he might have “The Ghost” flown to his modest abode, the Pope paused, “Perhaps…if this Kuma considers lowering the price so that families with kids – good, breeding families with 8-10 kids – can eat there. You know, like McDonald’s.”
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