I’m now on month number four after my father’s death and the estate is just about done, just some last financials and it’s at the point where most days I just want to hide under a table.
Or more appropriately take a break.
And I mean take a break from everything, yeah the hard work is over, most of the emotions have passed and its going back to regular life BUT I’m not regular. Or at least not who I used to be when things were regular, whatever that is.
All the changes, challenges, concerns, commitments and constant updates have made me so different and I’m tired of being tired.
I’ve spent time just watching TV, other time just staring at a wall, plenty of time not being social and its good. I spent so much time in communication with people (almost maxed out my cell phone minutes several months), and keeping up with stuff and few things seemed to go according to plan. I lived from crisis to crisis and always having to be proactive and preparing.
So my thing now is simplicity, I’ve given away and sold most of my father’s things except for pictures and keepsakes, even threw out and donated a lot of useless stuff I had. Thing is after a loved one’s extended illness, death and clean up you’re used to being emotional, sad, happy, mad, frustrated (often all at the same time), that now it’s like coming off one big bad high.
And it’s like any quick acceleration or elevation, it’s more a crash than a landing, but you’re still wound up and have cravings but the game is flipped now you want what you couldn’t have and that’s normalcy but you’re not quite sure what that is or even how to live with it.
I lived “out loud” for months, had to keep people abreast of his situation and then dealing with all kinds of people afterwards for estate issues and then one day it’s done and you’re like now what?
But you’ve been running so long you now have emotional inertia, that body in motion is still in motion and you just want to stop.
I feel like I’m a better man than when this all started back before Christmas but it’s come at such a cost.
I’ve tried to have at least one day a week where I don’t go anywhere and it’s been great, just chill, write, watch TV, cook and sleep. Kinda fits with the season of being the dog days of summer.
But now actively taking this break and getting acclimated to a more quiet existence has a lot of positives, your view of life is so much more panoramic than the tunnel vision of before.
Sitting outside can be just that, sitting outside, yeah I’m usually cooking when I’m outside but I can just now sit and appreciate the trees and look off into the distance (and not burn my food), but still just be childlike and look around and see all that’s there.
I can’t wait to sit outside again and in the words of my mother “just be”.
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