Yep, I'm eating french fries again.
After the horrific attacks of 9/11, I was anxiety-ridden, overwhelmed with sadness and lived in a chronic state of terrified fear.
So I did what every red-blooded American does, I began to eat crap.
I couldn't watch the news, read a newspaper or pass by a magazine cover without eating something bad for me. I remember Katie Couric mentioning on the "Today" show that the traumatic stress of the events had caused her to eat "everything that wasn't nailed down." I ate everything that wasn't nailed down as well as everything that was. Tater tots were pried off those nails with my bare hands and not a crumb was missing.
Once our country was back on the road to recovery and healing, my healthy eating habits followed suit. Salmon, broccoli and Greek yogurt satisfied my hunger. I felt so much better and proud of the resilience of the American people. Heroes were everywhere.
But ever since the inauguration of our new President, I am once again feeling anxious, fearful and overwhelmed with sadness.
I am drowning my worries in crappy food.
I've been ordering the chips with my Pick Two at Panera Bread instead of the gala apple. That's something I've NEVER done.
The more I eat awfully-bad-for-you-food, the more I crave it and eat it again. And again.
My mouth reeks of salt no matter how many times I brush my teeth.
456,032 milligrams of sodium have taken up residence on the vacant lot just to the right of my large intestines. Perhaps that explains my protruding belly and tight-fitting jeans.
Jeez, has it only been two weeks?
It's a daily walk on eggshells because our new president is so unpredictable. I have a hard time listening to the news, reading my beloved "Chicago Tribune" or connecting on social media. Fear and stress make me lose all self-control and order that donut at J.C.'s Café with my coffee. Damn, that's good.
Healthy eating has been my humble badge of honor for many years. Now it's spiraling out of control faster than tumbleweed blowing on the second mesa of Hopi territory in northeast Arizona. Sure an occasional splurge with an extra walk in the afternoon to offset the calories isn't too bad. A slice of Dinkel's birthday cake, a Pralines and Cream ice cream cone or angel hair pasta with meatballs at Da Buffone's.
But this is getting serious and it's quickly becoming a bad habit.
Each Executive Order coming out of the Oval Office has me rushing off to Portillo's for an Italian Beef with sweet peppers. Fries? Sure, why not? Go big or go home as they say.
I was always a junk food person, still am.
Thank you Dolly, I appreciate that. I am, too. But only in moderation.
If a "Saturday Night Live" skit has our president unglued, I shudder to think how a serious domestic or global crisis will be addressed.
Yikes. A double order of fried onion rings, please. To go.
I can't eat like this for the next four years. If I continue down this path, I will be pushing Oprah out the door and become the next spokesperson for Weight Watchers. She won't mind.
But I do.
I could be dead.
The unstable actions of the President of the United States will not have that power over me so I end up on "The Biggest Loser" in 2020. Hey, is that show still on television?
However, the current agitated state of my mind demands crappy comfort food to forget about the turmoil spewing out of Washington, D.C.
Crappy food won't solve anything. It's time for toughness.
Oh wait. Just one more cheeseburger at the Tracks before I move on from the "honeymoon stage" of the new administration.
Mr. President, here's the deal. And I know how much you enjoy making deals. I'm not going to put my health in jeopardy because of your unpredictable behavior. Calm down. Learn from those with experience and expertise in their fields. America is a powerful democracy not a reality television show. Look at your dismal ratings for God's sake, even though I know you will defiantly deny them. Focus. Become presidential, not reactionary.
Stop the impulsive decision making and think long and hard before you tweet, cut short or insult the leaders from allied nations. And especially our enemies.
You have the world on edge. You have our country on edge. You have me on edge.
I want to make good eating choices again.
Now it's time for you to make better leadership choices.
It's never a good sign when the federal courts need to be involved in your directives.
Please follow my lead.
I'll think before I reach for a fry.
You think before you speak.
Now what am I supposed to do with those five boxes of Girl Scout cookies I just ordered?