A Monologue on the Vagina to Generate Fundamental Dialogue

Consider this a much needed Public Service Announcement to educate the general public on female anatomy. You're welcome.

No, I am not a doctor, or a nurse or have anything to do with the medical profession. I barely remember taking Biology 101 and like my friend Maryellen used to say, "I was sick the day they taught Science." But I do know a thing or two about the vagina and you've got it all wrong. So let's set the record straight.

All of this information is readily available in the dictionary, online, in a seventh grade sex education text book, in a pamphlet in your doctor's waiting room and on that ghastly pink diagram framed on the wall in every gynecologist's office. But somehow no one seems to get this right.

In the movie, "Pitch Perfect II," Fat Amy (played by Rebel Wilson), has a wardrobe malfunction while hanging from the ceiling during a Bellas' music performance on stage.  This "commando situation" ends with the audience gasping in horror while viewing her "vagina" in all its glory.  Fat Amy was mortified.

You're safe, Fat Amy.  They didn't see it.

In the movie, "Fried Green Tomatoes,"  Evelyn Couch (the delightful Kathy Bates) attends a self-help meeting on Female Empowerment.  When the speaker instructs the ladies to "slip off their panties and straddle their mirrors," to see the source of their femaleness and power, Evelyn tears out of the room in a panic lamenting that "I can't even look at my own vagina!"

No, you can't Evelyn.  And that's ok.

Parents teaching their children the "proper names" for their private parts are labeling them with the words "penis" and "vagina." This is only 50% correct.

Sally's daughter Kelly used to call this body part "my fine china" when she was seven years old.  It made for hilarious confusion while setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner.

The vagina is a three to four inch elastic, muscular tube that connects the cervix, at the base of the uterus, to the vulva.

Don't I sound like a scientist or doctor now? Wow, I'm even impressed by my scientific prowess. The vagina is actually INSIDE the female body, well protected from casual viewing, just as nature intended.

You certainly wouldn't be able to see Fat Amy's vagina up on the stage, while she was hanging from the ceiling. It would be impossible to see your own vagina, while standing and looking into a mirror on the floor, as Evelyn Couch was instructed.

Somehow in the female anatomy vernacular,  "vagina" has become the all encompassing word for everything female "down there." This is incorrect. Looking at a naked female body, what you actually see is the VULVA. Say it. Vulva.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

The poor forgotten vulva.  You never hear it mentioned. Not in "Saturday Night Live" skits, Judd Apatow movies, in coffee shops, overheard at a table of women having lunch, by the water cooler, on college campuses or whispers out on the playground.

The correct name for the exterior female organ is VULVA.

I know it's not as exotic sounding as "vagina" and it lacks a certain rhythm and tempo. It's rather nondescript, but it can't help its scientific Latin name. If you fumble around in the vulva, beyond the labia, both major and minor, you would find the opening to the vagina but not actually see the vagina.

Please, can we all agree to erase that ridiculous word "va jay-jay" from our collective minds?  The writers on "Grey's Anatomy" were juvenile, especially considering this was a medical drama that takes place in a hospital. Yikes! Don't tell me I even know more about science than they did.

The vagina is also referred to as the "birth canal."

Since we're in school today, let's have a brief Geography lesson.

The Panama Canal is a waterway that connects the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean.  The Vagina Canal is a passageway that connects the Cervix to the Vulva. It's the same principal.  However, I don't know a soul that refers to the Pacific Ocean as the Panama Canal.

So why all this confusion on the correct names of female body parts?  Sadly, even women are feeding this anatomy incorrectness.

Adolescent boys giggle and grown men often break out in a sweat and turn red at the mere mention of the word "vagina."  Therefore, women of all ages, I am reaching out to you because I'm at my wit's end.

Please help me spread the word on what our body parts are anatomically correctly called. Let's start this dialogue and keep our vaginas back inside where they belong.

Your vulva will thank you for it.



Filed under: Lifestyle, Observations

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