I was having a text conversation with my sweetheart and he asked me about one of my rental properties. I told him I was in the process of making some improvements to a recently vacated unit to attract higher quality residents. I was doing some significant work like replacing the kitchen cabinets and getting the hardwood floors and lots of wood trim refinished.
He got curious and asked me to send him some pics of the place. Being modestly proud of this structure that has been a huge part of my life for ten years, I happily sent him some pics. He was impressed and complimented me on owning a pretty decent place. I beamed.
Then he said, “You know, you will probably get better people by updating those windows, honey.”
I was a tiny bit taken aback because I was already taping into my dwindling resources to make the interior improvements that were underway. There were other things I was strategically planning to do down the road but first I needed to stop the bleeding by filling the current vacancies.
I said to him, “I’m sure new windows would be nice, baby, but I can’t afford it right now. The old windows are not the latest design but they are intact. Right now I’m doing the best I can with what I have.”
He was confused about my reservations. “No, baby,” he explained. “I didn’t mean you need to update the windows right now. I’m saying when we get married, WE should buy you some windows to attract the best residents and get you the highest profit.”
Wait, whuuuuuuuuttttttt??? That’s not just freaky talk—that’s damn near pornographic!!! Nothing else says “I care for you and I want to be in your life for the long haul” quite like window shopping with someone--literally. I won’t tell you where that conversation ended up. That is, as they say, “grownfolk” business. But let’s just say it inspired this post…
Top Five Phrases To Get a Landlady Out of Her Knickers:
[Disclaimer: These suggestions are NOT to be used on your own landlady. Particularly if the agenda includes a short-term hookup in lieu of rent. These tips are for if you are currently dating a landlady (or soon plan to), things are heating up, and you want to take it to the next level. If you already have a landlady in your life, consider yourself AMAZINGLY LUCKY and repeat steps 1 through 5 as often as possible to show your appreciation.]
5.) “Let's go browse around [insert name of your favorite big box home improvement store here] to see what's new.”
- Chances are the landlady spends a lot of time there already. So if you want to get cozy with her, take her to a place she knows (possibly even for a first date if she’s hardcore). A shameless act of foreplay, yes, but if you’re gonna do it you might as well go all the way. Take the object of your affection to the section where they sell "rotary hammer drills," make a suggestive comment, raise your eyebrows and watch to see if she follows your meaning.
4.) “I have a couple of passes to a mold remediation seminar next Saturday morning—if you’re free…”
- Showing the landlady-of-your-life that you are interested in what she is interested in and that you respect her management of her rentals as a full-fledged business is the quickest way to her heart. Another perfectly viable option for a first date. Better than opera tickets.
3.) "Honey, I bought you a deluxe hand sander for your birthday.”
- As things begin to get more serious, you’ll be moving into the gift-giving stage. Contrary to popular belief, buying a power tool as a gift for the woman in your life is only wrong if you’re buying it on the sly for your own use. If she is completely sure that you bought it purely for her and that it’s something she actually needs, she might even throw on something low-cut, crank that baby up and let you watch her work. What I need right now as I type is a deluxe hand sander. If my guy bought one for me I would NOT be upset.
2.) "For our honeymoon, I’m taking you to a tropical island for a landlord retreat.”
- If you have followed my advice on the previous three steps I can safely assume that you guys are planning to get married now. This is the time for you to set up that perfect honeymoon getaway. A good landlady is smart about her money and she will want to make her honeymoon tax-deductible. How about the Caribbean? Every January a big group of landlords/ladies hop on planes to head for sunny beaches and swap trade secrets (I’m serious about this—check it out). Walk along the water’s edge with your lovely landlady and whisper sweet nothings about security deposits and background checks in her ear. The foundation for a steamy night and an epic love story.
1.) “When we start our family, we’ll buy one rental property as each child is born to fund their college education.”
- An actual time-honored tradition for smart long-term investors. Some investing couples will “name” each building after each child to reinforce the importance of managing it well. When Tenant Stan who lives in “The Matthew Property” falls behind on rent, the consequences for the investor family’s economic profile become more obvious. Nothing says you're in it for the long run like setting a 20-year plan.
So there you go. If you meet a landlady and think she's cute, get to know her. She's probably nice. No doubt she's brave--if she's a landlady. If things get serious see how far these phrases will get you. If you already have a landlady as your significant other, hold on tight and don’t let her go. Use some of these phrases to keep her. Let me know how it goes!
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