I vividly remember coming home from the hospital and stepping on my scale and the number that it read. That number was 10 pounds less than that same scale read today.
In reality I was sick when I returned from my stay at the hospital. Is it totally twisted that I wish back to that day because I was TEN POUNDS LESS? I know this is a wrong way of thinking and healthy is more important than skinny.
I practice yoga daily and eat clean 90% of the time. To be authentic and honest there are some areas I can improve in like wine and chocolate. Then I wonder is it worth it to deprive myself from pleasures I truly enjoy simply so the scale reads a few numbers lower?
In writing this I realize I should get rid of my scale and a number should not control me. Then I second guess myself again and consider if I would go out of control if I didn't have the device to keep me in check.
Some of you reading this may think this is bizarre, possibly sick behavior. In noticing in myself I am aware of others around me struggling with their weight and ironically none of these friends and family members are overweight.
There was a beautiful quote in Radical Acceptance that I keep coming back to.
"Most of the time Marilyn's mother remained unconscious, her breath labored and erratic. One morning before dawn, she suddenly opened her eyes and looked clearly and intently at her daughter. "You know," she whispered softly, "all my life I thought something was wrong with me." Shaking her head slightly, as if to say, "What a waste," she closed her eyes and drifted back into a coma. Sever hours later she passed away."
I don't want to look back on my life and realize I spent it obsessing over ten pounds.
Can you relate?
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- Check out my 2014 photo project How Quickly They Change.