Sunday I am getting an MRI. It is a routine, follow up MRI to compare with the one taken when I was diagnosed with MS eleven months ago. I nonchalantly made my appointment as I paid our mortgage and parking tickets.
It all seems so casual, although it shouldn't be such a normal part of a 35 year old's life.
In my head I'm fretting the return to where it all began. I haven't written much about MS lately, as there isn't much to report.
My main side effect is that I am tired. Imagine staying up until three in the morning and waking up at six a.m. and going to work. That is the best way I can describe fatigue even though I sleep more than eight hours a night. My legs hurt by the end of the day, the air conditioning makes me super cold and the hot weather isn't much more comfortable.
Most frustrating is my memory isn't what it used to be. I forget names of poses while I'm teaching yoga and can't remember what I was about to say when I open my mouth to say it.
I don't complain as despite the above, I'm living my life the same as I was pre-diagnosis and feel more grateful than before.
I'm scared to go back inside that machine. The one where I am held hostage in a glowing coffin kept alert by loud banging sounds. The test that will send me medical and insurance bills for months. More than that, I worry what is discovered during the MRI.
After months of taking Gilenya, Vitamin D, B12, Fish Oil, Calcium, Omega 3s and turning down pizza, ice cream and cheese on my dairy free diet; in some ways I feel entitled and believe I deserve a MRI free of lesions. In reality the likeliness of that is very small.
I won't know until I meet with my neurologist the second week of August. He will read my MRI and regardless of the results, I will still have multiple sclerosis and continue to live a different life that I imagined on this day last year.
Will MS and MRIs ever become normal?
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