Gonna be another short one tonight. Started a bunch of posts, but couldn't pull the trigger. Was out in the cold a bunch today and just got home and got under the covers. Ate some gluten-free pizza (I don't always eat gluten-free, but if it's convenient and tastes good enough, I will), watched an episode of Hell's Kitchen (I do love my shit-ass reality TV), and dicked around on Facebook. Had the good fortune to have a really nice conversation with my good friend, Veronica, and am blessed to reminded that I do not do life as well on my own as I do with other people.
While I have developed a relationship with a power greater than myself that guides me and helps me and saves me from my egobrain, I really get an opportunity to get out of that running inner voice when I hear that higher energy reflected back to me as I connect with other people. And in the last year, I have regressed and introverted in a way I don't know that I've ever done before. I don't know if I'm still mulling around in some sort of post-Dad dying grief, or if I'm just starting to get used to this weird solo/alone/solitude thing.
One thing I do know, though, is that I really do love people, and I do better when I have people around me to connect to. I also get the opportunity to have all of my survival behaviors and instincts gone awry reflected back at me, so there's all that to contend with, too. (Insert wry, sheepish, forlorn, resigned smile here.)
It's a new year, though, and I'm striving to do things differently. And every day that I don't, I'm trying to look at the next day as another opportunity to get up and try again, instead of deciding that there's NO way that it will ever change. It can. It will. There is always hope.
I'll try for a better blog post tomorrow.
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