I've forgotten how to write. I've forgotten how to do most everything, it seems like. It feels like. My vagina bones hurt -- I'm decidedly unforgetting how to ride my bike, and in true alcoholic fashion, I went balls out and rode waaayy too far the first day. Oh well.
I got in a fight with a friend tonight. It's not really a fight. It's me being honest with him and him being mad about what I'm saying. I'm probably not being very good about saying it, because I wait forever to say something, because every time I do -- we have this conversation, this fight. Because he doesn't like to hear anything that might upset his sense of self. Anything that isn't what he wants to hear.
I can't even talk about it anymore. There's SO much there and it makes me sad and angry and frustrated. There's so many layers and ideas and mindfucks. Addiction, gaslighting, narcisstic behavior, twisting things up and back again, un/subconscious shit. And I have my mistakes and fuck ups in it, too. But to hear him tell the story, you'd think I was a hysterical, out-of-control shrew who just caused him turmoil.
I guess that's the part that causes me the most heartbreak. In all of our back and forths, I have tried to be so patient and really give him the benefit of the doubt and see where he is learning and trying to grow. I have tried to be supportive and show up and really help him in any way I can. But when I see it through his eyes, I'm just a demanding, selfish person who never sees things clearly.
I know that's not true in the slightest, but if I listen to those old voices in my head that say I'm a terrible person who never does anything right, I can almost let him convince me that's true. I know it's not. I know that I have shown up. I know that I have helped out. I know that I have done my best to be there. And I might not have said my truth really gracefully tonight, but I said it. And it was not well-received, but there's not much I can do about that now.
My heart hurts tonight. It probably will for awhile. This is not news. It's been this way. It will be again.
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