I Can't Get Too Complacent With The Cancer

When my dad was first diagnosed with leukemia, I thought I'd be posting about cancer more often. I guess that would require that I post more often. But, I don't know. I guess I'm just keeping this more close to the vest. I don't know what there is to say a lot of the time. I would love for you all to just send all your best energy or prayers or thoughts or goodwill or whatever you do toward him. Send him all your best ideas of healthy blood cells and stuff.

There's this crowdfunding thing I have on my sidebar now -- it's to help me pay for a car so I can more easily go back and forth to visit my dad. Spend more time with him. I guess I'm a shithead for just not going and visiting my parents more often without having some looming threat of death hanging over my head, but here we are.

I waffled a long time before doing the crowdfunding thing. Actually, I didn't pull the trigger until I actually had a real car lined up. I had contemplated doing it and getting the money and then finding the car, but I wanted to figure out something concrete first. I'm pretty averse to asking for help, especially monetarily, but I feel like I'm just going to put it out there and try and just receive whatever happens. People have been incredibly generous and good-hearted thus far. I also will be very conscious about paying it forward in the future.

One thing that has been lingering in my mind is that I feel guilty -- "Oh, your dad isn't even that sick! He's at home! Things are going along fine." But you know what? I'm re-watching LOST again (man, always with the tangents, Jocelyn) and there was this moment when Rose says

There's a fine line between denial and faith.

It hit me like a gut punch. I want to remain positive and have good thoughts about my dad's outcome and what's going on inside his body, but I feel like a little part of me is going into denial mode just *a little* right now. Like it's good, right? There's been no side effects from chemo, and it's all good, right? The death scene is not really an issue, right?

And then I talk to him and he's getting more units of blood and I can't really get a sense of what his blood counts are doing and what's going on with the counts of his cancer and I'm really pissed off that I ended up with some random-ass head cold this weekend, so I couldn't go up there and see him like I wanted to. Like I was planning to. Like I was hoping to. Like this is why I want the car for. To be able to just go and hang out and not have to worry -- to be free. But, I can't even risk a cold now. It's funny, I would have went when he just had the kidney transplant, and he was on immunosuppressants then. But he had SOME white blood cells. SOMETHING. I couldn't even chance it for a second now.

So, I realized the other day that yeah, it's okay -- I'm not tricking anyone. I'm not lying about how sick my dad is. He has fucking cancer. It's real. He's not done. He's not in remission. He's not back on his feet. I want to be able to see him more rather than less. I want to be able to have this car paid for and in good working order without a lot of stress. I don't know what will come of it, but I'm writing haikus and creating mix CDs. I'd like to give *a little* something back.

Like I've said before, if you read this and think, "I'm not giving this chick a red cent," I'd love it if you'd at least send out a thought -- "I hope her dad does okay." That's something that money can't buy.

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